Who doesn’t love the wafting aroma of yams, cornbread dressing, and a sage-buttered turkey roasting? Actually, come to think of it, vegetarians don’t. Well maybe the only thing more divisive than what to eat at Thanksgiving is, you guessed it, what you can discuss. And boy will this year’s political scandals challenge even the most congenial gatherings.

So when Uncle Jimmy starts haranguing everyone about why they didn’t vote for his favorite tangerine-colored, bottled-blond-haired, bully-of-a-man-child, this may be the time to interject:

Did you know that a woman is fertile only a few days per cycle, but a man is fertile every single day? In fact, cervical fluid is to the woman what seminal fluid is to the man. Since a woman is only fertile a few days per cycle, she produces a wet secretion for the man’s sperm to swim in only on those days. A man, on the other hand, is fertile every single day, so he produces semen every day.

If that doesn’t shut him up, you might try:

Did you know that every single person in this room actually started life inside of their maternal grandmothers? That’s right, because all of our mothers produced all the eggs they will ever have while still fetuses inside of their own mothers, so the individual egg that eventually became every person on earth actually started life inside of their grandma.

No wait, now with IVF and donor eggs, that truism doesn’t necessarily apply to everyone anymore. Never mind. But if the political arguing continues unabated straight through to the pumpkin pie, you may need to resort to the final zinger that is sure to cause an immediate hush throughout the room:

Did you know that most women are not able to achieve orgasms through intercourse? Yup, that’s true. The the reason is that their most sensitive nerves and the ones that are analogous to those of the tip of the penis are in the clitoris, which is located outside of her vagina! I’ll leave the image to you, but clearly God must not have been a woman.

On second thought, maybe leave out that last phrase. The only thing worse at Thanksgiving than discussing what to eat, or politics, is religion.

Sigh.

Alas, may each and every one of you enjoy a peaceful Thanksgiving full and love, joy, and no access to the news.