When couples have been trying to get pregnant for a long time, they often acknowledge that lovemaking has become a chore to check off their list. And hearing friends and family joke about how they are going to “go home to make a baby” can only add to their resentment. It’s understandable why that would happen.

Although a person’s sexuality is separate from his or her fertility, people often equate them, leaving many dealing with infertility to feel that they are somehow less sexual. This in turn may lead to emotions ranging from unresolved anger and fear to anxiety or guilt. Even worse, communication between the couple often deteriorates just when they need to be more supportive than ever. Sexual problems often arise between couples touched by infertility because sex has taken on one main function: procreating, rather than making love.

It may reassure you to know that what you are experiencing is absolutely normal. But so much of the anxiety associated with trying to conceive could be eliminated if you charted your cycle so that you knew exactly which days you could get pregnant. Of course, some couples’ fertility problems will require high-tech treatment, but ironically, those procedures may actually free them to enjoy lovemaking for what it is—and not as a means of only conceiving.

Regardless, your emotions during such a challenging time are absolutely valid and more importantly, common. I encourage you to seek couples therapy, preferably with a therapist who specializes in dealing with infertility. And by all means, don’t feel the need to attend holiday events that will only bring you down. It’s during this season that it’s more important than ever to take care of yourselves.