I’m not gonna’ lie. I’m not a huge fan of speculums. Years ago when I taught my Fertility Awareness seminars, one of the things I used to do for
giggles was to ask everyone in the room to close their eyes as I screwed open a speculum, just to see how long it took to hear the chorus of groans
emanating from my students as they recognized the distinct clatter of hard cold steel. I mean, really . . . who came up with that idea? Nothing says good times like being asked to scoot down on a tiny narrow table, naked under a thin paper gown with your butt hanging off, while a person with a speculum sits mere inches from your hinter-regions, ready to insert and open said speculum. Really??

Why do we women put up with such an indignity, year after year, without hitting the streets to protest the humiliating exam in a somewhat different version of the pink pussy hat march of last January 21st ? Because most of us care about our health, and until someone comes up with a more dignified, less invasive way to internally examine us, we’re pretty much stuck, so we might as well develop a sense of humor about it, right?

So next time you’re staring up at the stark white ceiling above with your knees spread and your feet resting ever-so- comfortably in those enticing
stirrups (not), think of all the ways that you could regale your gynecologist with tales of the most embarrassing experiences in your life. If all else fails, I’m sure you could start with your current situation. Or not.

Anyway, happy new year, and may your future gynecological exams be only slightly mortifying.