Trying to get pregnant when it seems so fleeting can be daunting at times. This list was initially inspired by Rebecca Smith Waddell and Lisa A. Kramer, who mentioned that “the world of infertility provides lots of hilarious inspiration.” Enjoy.
Basal Instinct
An urge to shake down your basal thermometer BEFORE recording your temperature in a futile attempt to work up a sweat and boost up your temperature; usually strikes late in the menstrual cycle about the time your temperature would naturally plummet before the onset of your dreaded period.
Briefectomy
Furtive removal of all tight fitting briefs from your husband’s underwear drawer.
Climbmax
What you say to hubby (if his name is Max) as he prepares to ascend the mountain of pillows before him.
Coinus interruptus
The impact of infertility treatments on one’s pocketbook.
Coitus timeruptus
The practice of timing intercourse to correspond with the timing of ovulation.
Freeballing
The step beyond boxers taken by truly devoted husbands with low sperm count.
Gluteus Unrelaximus
Side effect of the uncomfortable act of propping up the buttocks after babysex.
Hindsight
Looking back to see what is happening as you get your shot!
Hormonophobia
Dreaded fear of saying the wrong thing to your wife when she is on fertility drugs.
Hormotional
Easily rattled emotional state brought on by hormone surges; especially symptomatic of women on fertility drugs.
Indijection
Getting sick to your stomach while getting Metrodin shots.
Inferguilty
How you feel when you’re having a bad day and you read someone’s post announcing their pregnancy and you are overcome with the urge to kill them.
“Looteal” phase:
The period of time between cycles when all of the insurance statements/doctor’s bills come in from the beginning of the cycle. Also a time to save $$ for the upcoming cycle.
Peetience
What you learn to acquire when starting to chart your basal body temperature.
Petri dish
A womb with a view (for IVFers).
Postcoital Nest
The secret vaginal hiding place where sperm hide when they are faced with fertilization anxiety; especially frequented by sperm avoiding the cervix swab during a postcoital test.
Preconceived notion
The idea (before trying to get pregnant) that one will get pregnant within a month or two, three at the most.
Preggozone
The magnetic area around all infertile women that draws expectant mothers into close viewing range. The first day of any cycle has the greatest magnetic field, closely followed by any day on which an infertile woman fails a pregnancy test.
Pregnesia
The way pregnant women forget everything, sometimes even the fact that they were infertile.
Psychosymptomatic Syndrome
A psychosomatic condition afflicting women during the two week waiting period; marked by a tendency to incorrectly attribute every bodily twinge and twitch to the early stages of pregnancy.
Rigorous mortis
Loss of interest in sex due to lack of spontaneity in timing.
Sperm washing
What you have to do to the sheets when hubby accidentally falls off the pillows at JUST the wrong moment.
“The Sperminator”
Nickname for any friend of your husband’s who insists on extended sauna
sessions after playing squash.
Wining and complaining
Drinking LOTS of red wine while whining about another negative pregnancy test.
Hahahahahah! This is AMAZING =D