My betas have progressed like this:
14 dpo - 3.31 mi/u
18 dpo - 9 mi/u
24 dpo - 14 mi/u
31 dpo - 26 mi/u
They are obviously not doubling and this pregnancy isn't going anywhere. As bad as it sounds I just want it to stop... I want to be done with this heartache, I thought for sure by now that I would start bleeding. Why won't my body let it go - why won't it miscarry? Miscarriages are never easy but to just hang on with no hope feels so awful. My doctor won't help me unless my numbers get atleast up into the 100's and is just testing my #'s weekly. Am I a bad person for wanting this to just end? I am so sad and everyone that knows (few people that are very close and know our IF journey) keeps bombarding me with questions. How can I answer their questions when I don't even know the answers for myself?
Angel 29 & Sean 25 - My Charts
From previous marriage: Garryn - 10, Kaiden - 8;Baby #1 together Marix born 11/27/13 a (after 3 years 3 months TTC and IVF#1, thanking God for our miracle!)
Hugs and know your not alone and I fully understand where you are coming from. You are most def NOT a bad person. Its hard my doctor is telling me to see what happens but in another week i go back in and be reassessed. Its very heart breaking in this wait, I have had so many convos with my own body, God, even my pets. I have felt insane at times. But remember you are not alone hun I pray it ends soon for you and you and DH can heal. sending hugs and shared tears. As for the question from others, i hope they understand that you don't know right now and give you support through this tough time.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. The waiting and uncertainty is horrible, I know. Can you be pushy and request an ultrasound? Maybe that will offer some clarification. In my case I never had betas done, but my U/S at 7 weeks only showed an empty sac, about 5.5 weeks progression. We scanned again about two weeks later and the sac was starting to become misshapen, but even two weeks after that I had still not miscarried on my own so I ended up having a D&C. Once the sac develops, even without the embryo (blighted ovum, I hate that name) it can continue to release HCG which delays the miscarriage from starting. HCG is that little wonder hormone that is so effective at preventing AF and nourishing a pregnancy, sometimes it does it's job too well.
I know it's hard when everyone keeps asking for updates and you are in limbo land not knowing what to say. I just kept having to tell family "things are uncertain, we need to have more tests done, I don't have any updates". Most got the hint and stopped asking.
There is a lot of support here if you need it. Please keep us updated.
Me (34) DH (44) 12/13/2011 DD born 3/30/13 My Chart
Waiting is very difficult and I don't know why our bodies sometimes hang on to a little baby who isn't going to make it. Please take good care of yourself this whole time and try to take things one day at a time. I'm sorry you're going through this.
Meso - Thank you. From the sounds of it you might be in the same boat? This process is so incredibly frustrating - I almost envy the women who miscarry right away - I know it is painful either way but waiting it out and knowing the outcome is no fun! I have accidentally snapped at a couple of people - not meaning to be rude to them. I just finally started to say if I know something and I wish to share it then I will tell you. I think it may come across a little harsh but sometimes people need to know when to back off and if you say it non-chalantly they don't get the point - this has happened and I just had to get firm with them. I don't think it's crazy that you've had conversations with various things - I have as well. I've rubbed my tummy and told our baby that it's okay to go be with Jesus (I am Christian) and that I will see it again one day - even though I won't get to hold him/her on earth but I will get to hold them in heaven one day =) I'm sure some people will think I am crazy for that but I don't care =)P - it makes me feel better. Do you mind if I pray for your situation? I know that personally going through it is very hard and I would never want another person to have to go through it.
Social - Thank you and a big hug for you after your m/c. I've tried to be pushy but all they are doing is blood tests and they "don't see a reason for u/s" at this point. It's so frustrating. I'm sorry to hear about your miscarriage. This process is so hard. I'm trying to mentally prepare myself for the D&C - they said if my levels get up to 100 they want to do Methotrexate but I started reading up on it and it sounds kind of scary =/
edelweiss - thank you for your support. It sounds like you have been through something similar. I tried for two years to get pregnant and I honestly just assumed after waiting that long that the pregnancy would go great - after all my first two pregnancies (my boys) went well. I mean I peed on a stick and never worried again really - everything was fine at the ultrasounds, etc. so I just figured my body knew what to do and it would do it - boy was I wrong =( I did have a chemical the first cycle we started trying - but I basically started bleeding just a few days late and had a blood test that had a low level (7) - so I did have hcg but it wasn't sticky - after finding out about dh's mfi issues I assumed that was why that happened ... I've learned so much since then :-)
Ladies - I woke up with some pretty good cramps this morning that are continuing even now a couple of hours after waking. I'm hoping this is it and my body can heal and I can start emotionally healing as well. I really do want off this rollercoaster - it has been a bad ride =*( I feel that while still being "pregnant" I cannot heal emotionally - I need to know that it is for sure a done deal so I can move on. Thank you all for your support - it does mean a lot to me.
My baby stopped growing/died around 8w6d, 11w1d we had an u/s that confirmed no heart beat because I had some cramping and spotting, back ache...2 days later I miscarried at home, naturally, with the cramping and bleeding just increasing the 4-5 days before that. My first pregnancy was completely uneventful, healthy little girl, full term, I too was very surprised and devastated to lose our 2nd child. This was the end of November last yr, just 12 weeks ago.
The cramping is a good sign that your body is moving in the direction of having the baby. I felt like I could emotionally heal better when my physical pain subsided, which was about 1 week after the MC.
Again, I'm really sorry you have to go through this. I know it's terrible.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. You're not a bad person to want/need to be done and move on. I recently had a missed miscarriage of surprise twins at 11w, 1 & 2d, which we didn't find out about their demise until almost 14w during ultrasound. I had no m/c symptoms, which is what a missed miscarriage is. The only reason I had myself checked was because I was feeling good. I had a D&E at 14w. It was very difficult emotionally once we found out about the losses to walk around knowing I was carrying 2 dead babies in me while waiting to have the D&E and then going through that as well. Once that was done, I was able to begin the emotional healing, which is an ongoing process. I have had 2 previous children whose pregnancies went without any problems, full term, big healthy babies. It's heartwrenching to assume things will be fine again only to have a loss (double loss) after such successes. We have no anwer why it happened, & it really bothers me when people act like we or the doctors should know why it happened. I just tell them that obviously I myself wish we knew, too. Sometimes just a look says enough, too. Don't be afraid to not reply to such questions. I hope your cramping results in the relief you're seeking/needing.
Me: 33, DH: 34; DS: 5; DD: 2; I'm a BF, B/W, CD, signing, crunchy, AP mama. Lev. 18:20,22. Acts 15:20. BCP 1/'02-10/'11; Hormone free since '11 twin loss & likely APS.
Ovu.: 10-2-06 (cd16); BFP: 10-15-06 (13dpo;cd29); EDD: 6-25-07 TCOYF & Doc; M/C: 11-22-06 (51dpo). Ovu.: 1-23-07 (cd15); BFP: 2-3-07 (11dpo;cd26); EDD: 10-16-07; BORN 10-24-07: 1 wk overdue, induce, push 3hrs, & c-section! 8-lb, 11-oz; 21in; Breastfed 28 months. Ovu.: 12-26-09 (cd17); BFP: 1-2-10 (7dpo;cd24); Doc confirm: 1-4-10 (9dpo;cd26); EDD: 9-18-10 TCOYF & Doc; BORN 9-24-10: 1wk overdue, attempt VBAC, failed labor, & c-section; 9-lb, 7-oz; 21.25in; BF'ing; Ovu: 9/23/11-ish; Surprise! Xtra surprise (while 11mo pp, on mini-pill, & BF'ing) - Natural Twins! BFP 10/31/11; EDD 6/15/11; 12/20/11 at 14.5w discovered we lost both at 13w,1&2d; D&E 12/23/11 (15w). Ovu: 9-17-12 (cd16); BFP 9-28-12 (11dpo; cd27); Doc confirm 10-1-12; EDD 6-11-13 TCOYF & Doc, 6-8-12 U/S; Surprise pregnancy on FemCap didn't refresh spermicide before am romp. Likely APS issues. Taking Lovenox. Blood tests both Positive for Spina Bifida - u/s on 1/10/13 confirmed myelomeningocele L2-S?. Amnio 1/16/13. - - - My Chart
Thank you Dolphin and Edelweiss again =)
The cramping has been on and off for the last week or so - but no bleeding or anything. My doctor and I have decided to do a laparoscopy/hysteroscopy and see if she can find where the baby is and remove it if it's not in the tube - which I am praying it is not. A miscarriage is very scary and awful anyways but to have an ectopic scares the heck out of me. She couldn't tell by u/s where the pregnancy is because the levels are so low and rising so slowly it could be in the tube or the uterus and just too small to tell. I will be having surgery tomorrow at noon. All good thoughts, prayers, etc would be appreciated and I will try to update later in the week.
I've just prayed for you, I really hope the baby is in your uterus and the surgery goes smoothly. I really think it's nearly impossible to start emotionally healing while you still have the baby inside of you and then really physical healing came first for me. Once a week or so passed and I was in less pain I could think about the emotional stuff.
Journaling helped me, too, to process some of the stuff and I'm glad I have it now, too to look back on and remember my baby's short life. Hang in there, try really hard to take things one day at a time and don't talk to people who aren't supportive. If you have close friends who have been through this they'll likely be very compassionate and supportive (sorry if I already said some of this).
Ditto to everything edelweiss98 said. I'm so sorry you're having to go through all of this in addition to dealing with your loss. It makes it so much harder.
I am so sorry you are having to go through this
With my first m/c they realized at 7 weeks that the pregnancy was not viable. My betas where not going down, but where not going up either. They did several (I think 4) u/s to determine if it was a blighted ovum. They finally decided it wasn't, that the baby died around 5 weeks.
It took me 2 weeks to m/c. And it was a horrible time for me and DH. To still "feel" pregnant and to also still cling to a sliver of hope that something would change and everything would be ok....was just heartbreaking. My OB didn't want to do a D&C because he is a believer that if your body can do it naturally then that was the best way. He did say if I went much longer than it was probably a missed m/c and I would need one.
Sometimes our bodies seem slow to realize what we know. And that makes for a horrible wait. You are not a bad person for wanting it to be over. I felt the same way. In fact I was relived when the m/c finally started. It was a horrible experience to go through, but it was finally over.
I am praying (I am also a believer) that your surgery goes well. That this is not ectopic. Your are in our Lord's hands and He will always be with you. Let Him carry you though this and lean on His strength.
My heart goes with you.
I just wanted to update everyone because I said that I would earlier.
I went in for laparoscopy/d&c on March 6th - and my doctor found the pregnancy in my right tube. It was at the end of the tube (the end by the ovary) and was very adhered to the tube wall - she was able to remove everything without having to remove my tube and she put some stuff in there that would help the adhesions/scars not be so sticky and hopefully the egg will pass by next time (I try to be an optimist =)
The recovery was much harder than my previous laparoscopy - I'm not entirely sure why though. I did have a lot of trapped air after surgery and it moved up to my pleural cavity entrapping my right lung - I lived on demerol for a couple of weeks. In a lot of ways I am thankful that I had the demerol of so long - I had a hard process of emotions and honestly just felt numb or up in the clouds for the past few weeks but I seem to be back to my old self again =)
Thank you all so much for your support, suggestions, and everything else =)
I'm so sorry again & that your recovery was so hard. It's good you're feeling yourself again & they were able to help you. Remembering the silver lining that you got pregnant naturally will hopefully help on harder days. Take it easy, and don't be hard on yourself. Things will hit you at expected & unexpected times, so it's good to remember there's no time limit on the grieving process.
My heart breaks for you. I wish that I could say something that would wipe everything away, but I don't have that power. Just remember that lots of people are sending their good thoughts and prayers your way.
Angel, I know it's been a year but I just wanted to thank you for sharing your story. I am now going through something that sounds very similar. I should be 7 weeks and my hCG levels are only at 35. The only major difference is that I've had bleeding/spotting almost the entire time. They did an ultra sound today and couldn't find the sac (not unexpected) but they found a large cyst on my right fallopian tube. Right now they are monitoring my levels and waiting for my body to miscarry but so far they haven't changed (up or down) in a week. I'm coming to accept the fact that this isn't going to be a viable pregnancy (my first) and I resonate with your frustration with your body not wanting to let go. I've actually never heard of anyone else so far along with such low hCG levels, and hearing that you've had the same experience, although I'm sure was difficult for you, is helpful. I'm worried that I too have an egg implanted in my fallopian tube, especially with what could be a large obstruction. Do you know if the drug methotrexate will work instead of a D&C? Do you know why they recommended a D&C for you instead? Regardless, thanks again for sharing.
Emma - I am SO SORRY you're going through the same thing =( And I am sorry I am just seeing this as well. I am going to answer your questions the best I can.
Do you know if the drug methotrexate will work instead of a D&C?
It's my understanding that Methotrexate usually doesn't work the first time - especially this late in the game. Methotrexate works by depleting the body of folic acid, therefore starving the fetus of the folic acid, and it dies off. (sounds so cruel to me =(( ) Therefore, you have to have a second shot many times, and sometimes still have surgery if that 2nd shot doesn't work. Also, if you take the Methotrexate you cannot try to get pregnant for a minimum of 3 cycles, and if you take 2 shots you have to wait out 6 cycles because of the folic acid depletion.
Do you know why they recommended a D&C for you instead? Regardless, thanks again for sharing.
You're welcome - I'm glad to share if it helps someone. I chose surgery because it was the faster, easier, less gut wrenching option for me. I knew we would want to try again ASAP and I did not want the risks of the Methotrexate. It was also so far into the game that there were no guarantees Methotrexate would work.
Good luck on whatever you decide and I am so sorry that you too are facing this awful heartbreak!