Just wondering how others would have reacted to this scenario.
My 4 year old son told me that a few weeks ago his grandmother (my MIL) picked him and his brothers (2yo twins) up from daycare in her car. She only had two car seats so my 2yo sons were put in those seats while he was put in between them with no seat, just the adult seatbelt.
I was out of town on business. My husband was supposed to pick them up that day, but he got caught up in a work thing so he asked his Mom to pick them up. The arrangement was for her to come to our house (she has a key), get our van (equipped with three seats), and then pick them up. We live 5 minutes away from the daycare. While the pick up time for our kids is 5pm, the daycare is actually open until 6pm.
MIL was running late so she decided to go straight to the daycare in her own car.
I tried to state just the facts here and am really curious how others would have reacted/responded?
My MIL and FIL have been told they will not drive the kids if they won't use proper restraints.
End of story.
There is no second chance to do things differently if you have an accident and a child is injured or killed.
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I'd be furious. She'd have just one more chance in my book.
Susan - 30 married to Chris - 32
Catherine Anne born via c-section June 30, 2008
Rebecca Marie born naturally April 18, 2010
John McNary born naturally January 9, 2012
The safety of your children is worth far more than a late fee at day care. I would express my thanks for her picking them up, but remind her that all three children in proper restraints is non-negotiable.
I would be pretty mad. I would tell her firmly that I would prefer a late fee over not having proper restraints. It's a matter of legality and safety and not "oh, it'll be ok just once real quick!"
Sean (25) Audrey (24) 8/18/07
Shannon 5/13/09
Thank you for these responses.
I was furious as well. I called her to first understand the circumstances around which she did that (was there some emergency?), then make sure she understood the safety concerns, and finally to figure out how we can prevent this from happening in the future. Well I didn't get very far because she got extremely defensive, said she was doing us a favor, and furthermore asserted that it wasn't a big deal because it was a five-minute drive and she was very careful; that she knows how to handle kids, she's raised three herself, and she would never do anything to put our kids in jeopardy. She ended up hanging up on me and ending the conversation.
DH followed up with her and she expressed how she didn't appreciate being scolded and talked down to. He returned to me telling me I had caused a lot of damage, that she was "in pain" over the conversation I had with her and he demanded I call her back to apologize.
I was completely floored that this whole thing got turned around and became about my MIL's feelings and the whole safety issue has become completely lost. Much as I didn't want to, I called her to "apologize." I smoothed things over with her, so she's happy and my DH is happy, but I'm not. Everyone is missing the point here. I was really alarmed to hear her say in the follow-up conversation that "...you know, the reality is that it's not a big deal and people do it all the time....jaywalking is illegal too but people do that all the time..."
I have very strong concerns about how this woman approaches safety (with very low standards), but my voice is being silenced. I am not getting any support or back-up from DH because his primary concern is keeping his mother happy.
Feeling quite powerless at the moment. But I am comforted in knowing that my reaction and alarm was appropriate.
Wow, your MIL sounds a lot like mine. I have no idea how they do terrible things and then somehow manage to make it about how you hurt their feelings by pointing out the terrible things they did.
I would not have apologized for this, but you're past that point. I would absolutely, 100% never let her drive any of my kids anywhere again. The problem is, you need to have your husband on board for that. You can't be telling her she can't drive your kids and then have him turn around and ask her to pick them up.
So I guess I would start by talking to him. Maybe find some evidence (like videos on youtube of crash tests) on why it's unsafe for a 4-year-old to use the regular seat belt.
Also, I would think in advance of how to handle it when she says something about how she knows how to handle kids, etc. Personally I would say something like "yes, you've been very lucky so far, but I prefer to trust to more than luck" - but then I am a little more confrontational than maybe you want to be.
Good luck! Bad MILs are the worst. I'm grateful in a strange way that mine has absolutely no desire to ever help us with DD in any way whatsoever, because I know if she did I'd be in exactly the same situation.
38 years old
TTC #1 for 20 cycles + IUI #1 March 9 2010 = DD Alice born December 6 2010.
Well after her victimization of herself after she should be heartfully apologizing, she would be lucky to be driving my child around.
You don't discount another parent's safety rules because YOU don't see it as necessary. If you don't agree, then don't do the favor.
Can you talk to your day care and have your MIL removed from the "list of people who can pick up our kids?" Or ask them to, if she ever does pick them up, have someone check the car first to make sure all three car seats are present?
I'd also go with the PP who suggested finding videos of what a crash can do to a child who's not properly restrained in a moving vehicle. We have safety products like child seats for a reason, and it's not just for fashion.
I would love to have her taken off the list, but there is no way DH would go for that. Incidentally, he would not go for showing her a safety video either (although I think it's a great idea). Problem is he is not standing by me. If we were dealing with anyone else he probably would, but when it comes to his mother, she can do no wrong and it's all about keeping her happy.
DH cannot see my side of this at all. We occasionally see a couples therapist and have an appointment with her next week. I will bring this up there and hope that she (the therapist) can get him to see things from my perspective. It pains me that we have to spend so much money to have the therapist tell him what I have already told him (this is a recurring theme), but whatever, that's the way it needs to be.
The irony of this whole thing is that if MIL in the initial conversation would have just apologized and worked with me to avoid this happening in the future, it all would have been resolved right there and then. But it blew way out of proportion - to the point that I had to have a follow-up conversation with her, and that is where I uncovered that she really does not get the whole safety thing. So after all this, I am actually more concerned and not less.
I really appreciate all the back-up here. I was going crazy and wondering if I had overreacted...
Before your counselling appointment I would research the laws in your area. What your MIL did is probably illegal, depending on your DS's age and size. I think it's really important to stress that this isn't a matter of differing opinion, where your MIL thinks it's better to do things one way and you think it's better to do them another way. This is a situation where your MIL transported your DS in a way that was not just unsafe, but likely illegal. Your DH needs to understand that he can't support her doing that.
I'm not sure about the law in other places. I'm in Canada, and here if she were to be in an accident with your DS in the car and not in the proper seat, she could be charged with something like "failure to provide the necessities of life", and you could be charged as well if you knew she was transporting him without the proper car seat and allowed her to continue.
Maybe that would help your DH think about it in a different way?
I just wanted to say i agree with pp. Also, if your mil does not have a third car seat, is it possible to get her one so this excuse can never be available to her?
Me- Amanda: 30 DH: 38
Make a pregnancy ticker
Phew. Just reading your situation has made me so angry on your behalf. I have a difficult mother and I can understand DH wanting to keep things smooth with his mom, but once you're putting the children in danger all of that has to go out the window. The most important thing is to make sure your kids are safe. I think you've gotten a lot of good advice, especially emphasizing that it might be against the law to drive a child without the proper child seat. I'm so sorry you are going through this. I definitely think you need to get through to DH first before dealing with MIL, good luck at the therapist. Just remember that this IS worth your time, to get them to understand, and you're not being unreasonable AT ALL. So stick with it and don't let them make you apologize again :)
Me (35) DH (36) =
TR (2)
TTC #2 since June 2010
December 26, 2010 @ 7 weeks
Due May 2012 -
My chart
No kids yet, but I'm also in the situation where I have a very opinionated MIL who is used to getting her way through any means necessary. And a husband and 4 sons, including my DH, who have always given in to her. The fights and complete collapse of any relationship between my MIL and myself over my wedding, almost led to it being canceled. Not because of what she was doing, but because my DH would try to a) stay out of it or b) smooth things over, rather than stand up for me and for his own views. With a baby now on the way, we have talked about this a lot because of course situations in which we don't do things MIL's way will occur and we have to be united. In theory we've made progress, but it remains to be seen what will happen when it really happens.
Reading your posts, you're describing the same sort of situation. Of course your MIL was wrong to do what she did, but it sounds like she isn't someone you can get through to. I'd focus on your DH, as it's going to have to fall to him to enforce rules and your opinions. It seems you're already doing that through talks with him and therapy, but I'd continue to do whatever you can to get through to him. He has to understand that his mom doesn't get a free pass to do whatever she wants. There will be many more situations in the future in which her way differs from your family's way and while some won't matter much, others like car seats, playing unsupervised, etc.can be serious.
Also, if you do have a breakthrough with him, please share as I'd love to know what worked!
Not sure what your laws are like, but here it is illegal to carry a child under 5 without a suitable restraint. I would be furious and I would as much as possible stick to the facts about safety. I just read a bit further and realise that your DH doesnt support you re: the MiL situation. It's sad that she was able to twist the situation til it seemed like you were attacking her.
If you have to have the conversation through counselling, I hope you can get across to him the gravity of the situation. I would be holding out for her having nothing to do with transporting the children again, unless she can agree that safety and proper restraints are essential. A late fee vs an injured or worse child, and a sentence for her should be an easy choice.
Kym 33 married to Doug 33
I would definitely look into the law where you are. Here in Ontario all children under the age of 8 and under 80 pounds must be in a booster seat. Even without an accident, it is a $110 fine and two demerit points on your license if you are caught without a properly installed booster seat.
My mother is an elementary school principal in Nova Scotia and she has children coming to school on the bus in carseats due to their size. A lot has changed (carseats, even infant seats weren't mandatory when I was born in 1979) and people need to keep up with the laws.
Good luck with getting your husband to understand the situation from your perspective
I don't have much more to add-- you've received some great replies. I would be absolutely furious if I was in your shoes. My older DD is almost 3 and is still rear-facing....I take safety issues VERY seriously.
I would not let her transport the kids anywhere else. Can you find someone else to do pick-ups when you're out of town?
She and your DH need to understand that there is a difference between being LUCKY and being RIGHT. Safety does not belong in the realm of luck.
Hang in there, mama!
... and to add, just because she "drove very carefully" does not mean everyone else on the road did... she can't control that and I don't see how she could argue that.
Me 36, borderline low progesterone, light endo & fibroids removed 10/6/09.... Dh 37, borderline low morphology TTC#1 March 2006 TTC Charts TTA Charts
Me 36, borderline low progesterone, light endo & fibroids removed 10/6/09.... Dh 37, borderline low morphology
TTC#1 March 2006
First BFP 1/09/2010 wild yam root 500 mg cd 1-9, maca root 900 mg until 11 dpo, clomid 50 mg cd 5-9, NPC from 3 dpo, procheive suppositories 1st trimester
16 dpo beta 397, 18 dpo beta 863
9/26/2011
I live in California and it is definitely against the law for a 4 year old to travel in a car unrestrained. In fact, they just tightened up the car seat laws to require all kids under 8 years to be in a car seat or booster seat. The state takes this very seriously. My MIL does not, and she cannot be persuaded by legality because she is just too dense. I will fight to the end for my kids' safety and if it means that this woman never drives them again, so be it. I just don't trust her.
As for my DH, I cannot get through to him when all he is concerned about is his mother's feelings. I'm hoping the counseling will help with this.
For whatever it's worth, I just can't imagine caring for someone else's kids (related or not) and unilaterally making a decision to do something so unsafe. And if I did do it and got called on it, I would be apologize profusely and not try to defend myself by saying "hey, i was doing you a favor." I just don't get it.
My MIL is and has never been on any list to be allowed to pick my child up. Our situations are different in that the opportunity will never come up but I have watched same happen with my SIL and her two. "I just brought them to fill in the blank.....It's just down the road (major highway)." Her DH is the same. SIL is in the wrong and MIL can do no wrong. All's well that ends well is his motto. You fill out the papers, you are the primary caregiver I am assuming, you can take her off the list. No permission from anyone necesary and you make alternate arrangements next time you are out of town. Don't expect DH to do it. Expect major fall out if it ever comes up that you removed her from the list but this issue needs to be covered. I see it as an unhealthy relationship between your DH and MIL. You are the wife, you are the mother and she takes a backseat. If he keeps putting her in the driver's seat your relationship is in trouble. Next time you are out of town make arrangements in advance for some alternate person to bring the kids home and sit with them until DH gets home. Just do it. Don't make a big deal out of it. Make the arrangements and expect them to be followed through the way you set them. My DH tried the poor her pity her she even bought her own carseat but after abusing my child there were no more chances at that point. I consider what your MIL did a form of abuse. My DH knows (and we went over this in detail in counseling) my child's safety is paramount and my relationship will come in second place if my child's safety is compromised. He loses not my child. That is the harsh reality of our relationship because of her. It doesn't make our relationship always a pleasant place to be. There is stress when she asks for permission to do things and I refuse or plan to go along. It's taken years for him to "get" how serious I am. Now that my child is older and understands right and wrong we did allow her the opportunity to bring my child home from a party under the supervision of FIL when we had to be somewhere else before the party ended and my child wanted to stay. Big mistake - she decided to go everywhere but straight home. She didn't show up there until 6 hours later. She turned her phone off after the first call. BIL still doesn't have a clue and SIL is tired of fighting. I keep them in my prayers. SIL does her best and I hope that is enough. You've gotten great advice all around here. Sorry you felt forced and went through with an apology, you should have never been put in that situation.
David Jude
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