DS is almost 9 months old, and I am a SAHM. I have been away from him for a few hours at a time (hair appts, movie dates with DH, etc) and we are having our first overnight date on NYE.
The thing is... I feel like when we do date nights I am making a sacrifice for my husband. I don't WANT to be without my son, and I feel like we can have a good time as a family and DH and I get alone time at night or when DS is napping.
I am not worried about him, I do not have fear, I just really like being a mommy and my son is a part of me. I love being with him. I am not against being away from him, but the response I get from most people is "Don't you want a break." Well, no, I don't want a break.
Don't get me wrong... I have days where I think "Boy I'd love to have Grandma near by so she could take him to the park" but it's mostly days when my morning sickness is really bad or I need to get something done (like baking for a party) and DS wants to play. But the thing is, when I have the choice (baby or baking? baby or date night? baby or hair appt?) I'd always choose my baby. I GET that there are things that are not baby friendly, like a movie theater, and so I am okay with babysitters from time to time. I just don't LOVE it. I am not eager for it. I do it begrudgingly.
Is this a first time mom thing? Is this left over PPD and anxiety (we had a really traumatic first month)? Or do other moms feel like they just really don't need a break from their kids?
Jennie, 27 DH, 29
My Baby Boy - Matthew born April 6th, 5:52 am 6lbs 15 oz and 19 inches
I have a 4yr old and a 1yr old and no, it's not weird. To me, I find it weird that sooo many women are overly eager to drop the kids off at Grandma/pa's on weekends I grew up with a big family and it was always funny how things felt off when just one was at a sleep-over or whatever.
I'm not paranoid but I do feel at peace knowing my kids are home and cozy in their beds and yes, they are safest with DH & myself because we know them better than anyone. I don't thinks it's baby blues either because I never had any. I think it's just part of being a good mother. Don't get me wrong, I do have days where I wish DH would take a personal day from work and hand me my keys and purse to go buy a new outfit on my own but who doesn't wish that?!
Being a SAHM is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I don't get sick days or lunch breaks or bathroom breaks or days off or anything! I can count the hours I have been away from YDS on one hand but all in all, I'm fine with that. It makes me feel strong, like if I was able to be home alone (DH had to work before taking holiday) with my preschooler and my newborn 24 hrs after giving birth and breaking my tail bone, I can do anything! And even those days when DH takes the kids for a walk while I take a hot bath, I start to miss them all :P
Me & DH 28 with '07, '10, one & Due November 18th (per chart) 20th (per U/S)!!!! So excited for our last LO!
For me it gets easier over time.... With my first I was never w/o him..... I even hated date nights cuz I had to leave him..... I didnt do an overnight without him until he was 2.5 and that was only because I just had my DD.
Now that he is older I feel much better about him being away from me mainly because he is so independent - dresses himself, uses the potty, can get his own drinks and snacks, etc -
With DD I feel the same way - I dont plan on leaving her alone anytime soon.... hahah
me: 36 DH: 46
Sept 2008 - IVF/ICSI
March 2011 - au natural
Sounds perfectly normal to me! My DS is almost two and a half, and while I enjoy the occasional night off (his dad keeps him one night a week, but sometimes will go a month without doing so), I miss DS every second I'm not with him.
My kids are considerably older than yours; and I still don't like to be away from them. Its funny, actually - they'll be driving me nuts after a long day with them and I'll want a break, but 20 minutes into the break and I miss them.
Time with DH is very important; but I miss my kids when I'm not with them. I just love my boys and they are the greatest joys in my life - nothing wrong with that!
We are going to Europe for 3 weeks in May. We're taking the new baby, but I really don't know how I'm going to live without my boys for 3 whole weeks. I'm already sad just thinking about it.
June 13, 2011: BFP on 12dpo! 40 months in the making. chart: http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/16c283
3 amazing sons, Natalie Grace arrived 2/12/2012 at 2:18 AM. 6 lb 13 oz!
Nope, not weird. I feel (and have really always felt) the exact same way. I just love being around DS, and I actually prefer to do things as a family.
I'm actually not looking forward to being away from him for the birth of DD, I wish the hospital weren't so far away so that he could come right away!
9/30/2009
1/15/2012
My DD is only three months but we've never been separated for more than an hour or so... I feel like something is missing if DH drops me off at a store and takes her to another store for a bit! Before we had DD I was all worried about getting 'alone' time with DH because we have no family or anyone nearby to babysit, but now I can't imagine leaving her! I expect as she gets older I'll get used to the idea of being without her for a few hours... and I didn't have any PPD, didn't even get the 'baby blues' or anything. So I think you are perfectly normal
Thanks ladies for making me feel normal! My father in law gives me a really hard time about it - in fact when I said that after our overnight date we would come straight back to get DS, he was trying to convince me to go do something else (he's not the one baby sitting) and I said no, we just wanted to get back.
He says "Oh come on, mom, it's only 24 hours." As if I am some sort of over protective worry wart for wanting to be with my son!!
But DH and I are like that with each other - we don't really do girls nights or boys nights that are overnight or spend the night away from each other unless we really have to.
I know our date night (it's for my hubby's 30th) will be fun, and we will enjoy our special time together but I want my baby back ASAP!! he he
No, I don't think it is weird at all. My son is going to be 3 in March and the only time I was away from him overnight was when I had a throwing up virus. My parents have offered to keep him, but I don't want to take him away from his bed or his mama. I have a friend whose child is the same age and they have left him every other weekend with their parents and I think THAT is weird.
Me (31) and Him (31) and DS, Luke Patrick (3)
Battling autism one day at a time. And we're winning. ST, OT, PT, ABA, and ESE Pre-K. Absolutely broke, but absolutely seeing progress.
"perfer et obdura; dolor hic tibi proderit olim," which means, Be patient and tough; some day this pain will be useful to you.
I think that whatever people say to you about parenting comes from their own experience and personality. So if they say, "Don't you want a break?" that means they remember wanting breaks a lot, and they think they are sticking up for you by encouraging you to take one. If they tell you it's normal not to want a break, it's because they don't get many or don't want/need many!
In my experience, that I never would have imagined in a million years, I need breaks from my 1-year-old. In fact, I have actually gone back to working full time because that is what works best for all three of us! I would have NEVER imagined that, and I do miss her as the day wears on. But she has a very strong personality, and I am a very nurturing mama, and that combination full-time makes for an exhausted mama and a super-demanding baby. When she goes off to be with the sitter, she is a different child. She is less needy and more independent! And I get to work doing something that I believe in while she's away.
So, in my experience, I can't imagine not wanting a night away from my baby once she got to be 9 months old. BUT, I have a child who is incredibly demanding. One of my good friends has a happy, laid-back child, and all she wants is to be with him 24/7. I GET THAT, because he is just so easy to be around. And there are so many combinations of baby-mama personalities that our experiences run the spectrum. I think that an incredibly close family that stays together almost all the time is a wonderful thing. Do it as long as it's working for you!!! And if there comes a time when it's not, try something different. :-)
Mary, 36 - Hubby, 35 - Cat, 8 - Adele, born 11/17/10!!! My Crazy Chart
P.S. Making time to do things with your hubby is awesome. Marriages NEED that. If he wants to go out alone with you every now and then, it might be best to respond with thanks, as if he's giving you a gift of his time, because he is. Some husbands don't value that alone time with their wives and don't even ask for it! It is great that he does, and you show him how much you value him by enjoying alone-time with him. :) Plus, he gets to see a different side of you, to see you in a different light than the "mommy" light, which is good for the marriage too.
empygirl: P.S. Making time to do things with your hubby is awesome. Marriages NEED that. If he wants to go out alone with you every now and then, it might be best to respond with thanks, as if he's giving you a gift of his time, because he is. Some husbands don't value that alone time with their wives and don't even ask for it! It is great that he does, and you show him how much you value him by enjoying alone-time with him. :) Plus, he gets to see a different side of you, to see you in a different light than the "mommy" light, which is good for the marriage too.
I agree here :) I worked full time after DS was born, and I liked it, for the most part. I love being a SAHM, but it is very challenging, and I do enjoy a few hours here and there as a break (my break is weekly women's bible study... but occasionally DH has time to take him to the park in the evenings or let me go shopping on weekends). We do a LOT of stuff as a family - cruises, big vacations, dinners out, etc. But, DH and I also know that a strong and healthy marriage is the best foundation for a strong and happy family, so we try to take advantage of time we get alone together - whether it's a date night (rare since we can't afford sitters) or an afternoon outing while DS was at daycare. Remember that you're not just a mother, but you're also a wife - and I don't think it's healthy for the family for us to neglect that role :)
My Charts
DH Me, and
Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, and faithful in prayer. ~Romans 12:12~
I like date night almost better when we bring dd along!
Me 36, borderline low progesterone, light endo & fibroids removed 10/6/09.... Dh 37, borderline low morphology TTC#1 March 2006 TTC Charts TTA Charts
Me 36, borderline low progesterone, light endo & fibroids removed 10/6/09.... Dh 37, borderline low morphology
TTC#1 March 2006
First BFP 1/09/2010 wild yam root 500 mg cd 1-9, maca root 900 mg until 11 dpo, clomid 50 mg cd 5-9, NPC from 3 dpo, procheive suppositories 1st trimester
16 dpo beta 397, 18 dpo beta 863
9/26/2011
jbizzy: I like date night almost better when we bring dd along!
Your DD must be a lot easier than our DS, then. Rarely is a meal with him enjoyable (we do get lucky sometimes, though). So when we get a chance to have a meal that we can actually eat hot and at a normal speed and together, it's a nice break. We can't wait to rush back to him, but it is nice to actually have a conversation and not be having to chase him around and stop him from dumping salt/pepper/hot sauce all over the table, himself, and the other restaurant patrons :) But, we still take him out :)
I don't think it is weird at all. DD#2 never took to the bottle and was/is super slow to get onto solids. So only on a handful of occassions have I been away from her for more than a few hours. So many moms have said "OMG poor you!" and "that must be so hard on you..." And honestly, it's not! I wanted so badly to BF DD#1 and it never worked out, so I am thrilled to have that relationship with DD#2 and I don't find it to be a bother at all.Reading the other posters comments, I can relate to what empygirl said. I am in Canada (1 year maternity leave) and DD#1 is a really spirited girl. By the 9 month mark I was so ready to get back to work. I loved her dearly but wow did I need a break from her and be able to exercise my brain again. After my 2nd maternity leave though it is the exact opposite. DD#2 is such a super laid back kid, so that helps. DD#1 is still spunky, and honestly out of the 2 kids the one who takes most of my time and energy, but at 2.5 she is also a lot of fun. So even though I am on my own 11 hours a day with 2 young kids and more exhausted than I have ever been in all my life I hae enjoyed this maternity leave so much more than the first. I really wish I didn't have to go back to work next month. I found a bit of a compromise though...I'm going back part time Best of both worlds (I hope!)
April, yes so far she's super easy at restaurants... but I'm sure our days are numbered!! She gets feistier (sp?) by the day.... I don't think it's a stretch to say the terrible twos start more like at 13 months!
Oh I hope I didn't imply that I don't enjoy alone time with DH or that he is the one making me feel weird. He is so supportive and loving. We do go on date nights, but I'm happy with an hour or two and then want to go home. I'm not like "Phew! We have no baby... let's go out! Let's get drinks, and dessert... and a movie...."
and a lot of moms have made me feel really weird about that... like "Don't you enjoy your time off?" I don't. I enjoy time with my husband... but I enjoy my son, and I don't want to be away from him. I will, and I do. But I don't beg for it.
mrsrippey:We do go on date nights, but I'm happy with an hour or two and then want to go home.
I am the same way if we are leaving him at a time when he's normally got us with him - like in the evenings. Our daycare had a parents' night out once a month and the two times we did it (and it was only for 3 hours) were rough. I didn't like that it was not his normal routine and that he wasn't at his own home. When we would go out, it was usually in the afternoons - usually if we had family visiting who could watch him while we caught a movie. The times we would spend more time together were days that he was already scheduled to go to daycare, I would take time off work to spend the whole morning/afternoon with DH (he was in school) - over his spring break, I took 3 days off, and each day we did something fun that we don't get to do with the kiddo - like head to the casinos up in the mountains ;) (You meet some interesting people when you go gamble at 9:30am on a Tuesday ;))... we also liked being able to go to brewery tours/tap rooms/etc without having to chase after DS. We definitely have taken DS a lot of places with us (many brewery tours, many brew festivals, restaurants, etc), but it is always nice to get an afternoon where we can do these things without carrying the diaper bag, getting to both eat/drink at a normal pace, and just enjoy some peace and quiet.
Aside from date nights, I do relish when DH allows me an hour or two once in a while to get out by myself - whether it's a chance to go shopping without having to wrestle a toddler into the cart and then rush through the store before he throws a massive tantrum and lunges to the hard ground below ;) Or like this morning when DH will take over so I can get a much needed massage for my aching back. I will rush home, of course... but for me I cherish the time with family as a whole, and not just DS. The times DH has let me sleep in, I have found it hard to stay in bed, because I think "Man, I'm wasting this precious time I can have with my family". :) So, I suppose I can understand where you're coming from to an extent - I just think it's healthy to remember that you're not just a mother, you're also a wife and a woman who needs to be supported and lifted up as well :) When we take care of all of ourselves, I think we can perform each role at our best :) It's not about needing freedom from the kids, I think it's about needing that quiet time for our own reflection, strengthening, growing purposes, if that makes sense :)
aprilFool1208:Our daycare had a parents' night out once a month and the two times we did it (and it was only for 3 hours) were rough. I didn't like that it was not his normal routine and that he wasn't at his own home.
Yes, this for sure.
For my DH's b-day, my FIL gave us a gift card to a restaurant 90 minutes away from our house, that he said needs to be used on a Sunday night (during their happy hour discount) and him and his wife will baby sit (uh, did you ever see my post on WHY i don't let them babysit?!) Sooo... Happy Birthday to us, we get to drive 3 hours round trip with a baby on a night my husband has to work the next day and then wake DS up at an awkward time to drive him home after I worry all through dinner that you've erased all my parenting. Fantastic.
If someone offered to come to my house and watch DS at night, that's definitely the best situation. My sister did that for us the other night when we went to DH's company holiday party. We stayed out until 10:30 and I was pretty proud of myself (not to mention I'm preggo and was exhausted!) But you're right, it makes it easier when the babies can be home and in their own routines.
aprilFool1208:So, I suppose I can understand where you're coming from to an extent - I just think it's healthy to remember that you're not just a mother, you're also a wife and a woman who needs to be supported and lifted up as well :) When we take care of all of ourselves, I think we can perform each role at our best :) It's not about needing freedom from the kids, I think it's about needing that quiet time for our own reflection, strengthening, growing purposes, if that makes sense :)
I get that some people feel that way... but I've never been that kind of person. I've never enjoyed alone time. I feel most satisfied and nourished when I am with those I love... particularly my husband. I am a Christian, and we are constantly being encouraged (at women's events and what not) to spend alone time with the Bible and prayer... and it's such a struggle for me! I would so rather be at a Bible Study table with other people!! Don't get me wrong, I enjoy a nice bath, or some reading at the park... but we're talking an hour or less. Maybe one day (when I have more kids running around) I will cherish quiet alone time... but I am SO the mom who waits for my baby to wake up so I can hold him or play with him!
But I appreciate your response, aprilFool. I just take it so personally when my in-laws make me feel like I need to get away from my son and "back off". I wanted to feel like I'm not some crazy smothering mommy!!
mrsrippey:Don't get me wrong, I enjoy a nice bath, or some reading at the park... but we're talking an hour or less.
I don't think the duration of your "me"-time is what's important. What is important is remembering to feed your own needs. I also think it's important to teach our children the importance of self-time, encouraging independent play, etc. I follow the blog written by two Lutheran pastors' wives, and they home school and have 4+ kids each. They have a daily family quiet time where each kid goes into their room for an hour -- the younger ones nap, the older ones draw, read, whatever they want, and the mom gets time to work on her own needs (such as bible study). I think that is very healthy :)
I agree with you on being frustrated with the in-laws, though. I don't do well with people questioning our parenting - especially family. I had to put my foot down with my parents when they would tell me to "lighten up" when I insisted DS is not allowed to do such-and-such. Since then they have been much better about respecting our rules, so I do hear where you're coming from.
You're not a crazy smothering mommy - we have not had anyone stay with our DS in our home at nighttime while we go out, because I have always worried about the nighttime routine not being perfect ;) And he's 27 months! There's a reason most of our dates have been during the day. I am also not comfortable with the idea of leaving DS with either of our parents overnight - and I don't know if I ever will be. :)