Is it too soon? and what to do?

I have two kids from previous relationship. DS 3 and DD 2. Their dad lives in another state and only time he wants anything to do with them is if he has a new gf so he can show them off. Due to his work, he was rarely around even when we were together, and didnt do anything with them when he was there. Therefore the kids never had a true father figure (besides my dad).

Most of their father's family is the same way, they'll only contact you if they want something and when I try to go visit they never have time. I want my kids to know that side of their family but even when I was with the ex, HE didnt want to visit any of HIS family. To my knowledge his family still doesnt know the ex has a 3rd kid who is older than my 2. How long do I try to keep communication open with these people? And when should a I call it quits? Is it a lost cause?

On a better note, I've been with a guy for 6 months and I'm honestly the happiest I've ever been and can see us together 50 yrs from now. The kids have both started calling him dad, him and I have talked about it, and it feels right to both of us. For a man who has no kids of his own, he'll actually get to their level and play with them, it truly suprised me at first... maybe cuz their own father wont do that? I dont know.

My SO has completely jumped in head first... In fact he's even asked about down the road if he could look into adopting them. So how soon do I introduce my kids to his family? Do I try to avoid my kids calling his mom Grandma? or do I let them ease into that, considering we'd like kids together one day and dont want them treated differently?

I fully expect my kids' Bio-Father to phase himself out of the picture. He's already doing a good job on that as is. So on the rare occation he does try to call or something... how do I refer to him? He's clearly not a "Dad" and I dont feel comfortable giving him that label. Maybe 'father' would work? or is it better just to go by first name?

so many questions... :(

My policy was for the kids not to use names like Grandma until we were engaged and it was a short engagement as well. We didn't want the kids forming that kind of attachment without a true commitment.  My kids' dad and paternal grandparents are still in their lives, but we made it clear to them they have two dads now and more grandparents. For us, that really didn't come until after the wedding though.

With my DD her biological father is not in the picture so my husband is called dad.  We started this shortly before we got engaged, but knew we were getting married.  We had been together for a year.  His boys were a little different in that their mother was involved in the picture at the time we got married.  The youngest started calling me mom shortly before we got married, but the oldest did not.  Their mother has since phased out of the picture over the past year and a half.  The youngest still calls me mom, and the oldest does not however he references me as mom.  They both call my parents grandma and grandpa and my siblings aunt and uncle.  This is something that we have truely left this up to them and what they feel comfortable with and it really doesn't bother me.  For the oldest it has to do with loyality and feelings that he might hurt his mother.  I get all the mothers day present and so on.  We don't pressure.  To us a family is more than names.

 

Jess

Me too, PinkPolkaDots

PinkPolkaDots:

My policy was for the kids not to use names like Grandma until we were engaged and it was a short engagement as well. We didn't want the kids forming that kind of attachment without a true commitment.  

.  I remarried about 8 years after my daughter's dad and I broke up. My daughter was 9 and was in the wedding, and I got 2 stepchildren, ages 1 and 4.   We had a short engagement (3 months) and I didn't move in with him until a month before the wedding.  My daughter does not really call his family grandma and so on.  She has a good father, so that probably isn't worth comparing to your situation.   

 

I think you probably are hesitating out of a real concern and should honor that.  go with your gut and default to the most protective option.  I am so glad you have such a wonderful partner!!

Well, my situation is a bit different because my kids' father is involved in their lives and so is his family.

My kids call my boyfriend by his first name.  To other people, they refer to him as their step-dad.  They call his mother by her first name, but she treats them like her grandchildren.  My boyfriend and her other sons do not have any kids of their own.

I say let the kids decide what they are comfortable calling people.  I would hesitate to phase their father out of their lives completely or refer to him by his first name.  Your kids are still young, but they will grow up and realize their real father is not around.  You don't want them to think it is your doing at all, if that makes any sense.

As far as time frames go, my kids did not meet my boyfriend's mother until about a month before we moved in together.  

Dh and I dated for 18 mths prior to getting married, DS was 2 and DD was 10 when we began dating. We always referred to DH by his first name until about 6 mths after we were married when DS proclaimed that DH was now "Dad"... So we refer to him that way now. DD still calls him by his first name and DS mostly calls him "Dad" and occasionally by his first name. Dh has told both kids that they can call him either name, and that he loves them no matter what. DD and DS's fathers are both a big part of their lives, and my DH doesn't try to "replace" them...

Personally I would be very careful about not allowing my kids to refer to someone Im not married to as Dad... etc.

My ex and I made an agreement that our children aren't to call any other adult "Mom" or "Dad". First name only. But, we're both involved in their lives (he has custody right now). 

For a "disappearing dad", that decision is completely up to you and how comfortable you are with it. Is he paying child support at all? If his interactions with the children are based on his need to "show off", and he's NOT paying any support, then he's not really a father. What about if the kids called him "FirstName-Dad"? So like if his name is Steven, he'd be Steven-Dad. 

With my SO, I know my kids will only be calling him by his first name. That's what I promised my ex, and I'll stick to that. With SO's DD, I wouldn't feel right if she started calling me "Mom"...or even "FirstName-Mom". Because she has a mother...a good one. 

A friend of mine ended up getting his ex-wife pregnant while he was with his current wife... Their DD calls his wife "Mama FirstName" (she's step-mom) and her own mother is "Mommy". She knows the difference.

With grandparents, that's a tough one. If step-grandmother wants to be called Grandma or Nana or another title, then I'd say it's okay. If not (and sometimes this is the case) then perhaps "Mrs. LastName" or "Ms. FirstName". My brother's ex-wife had a son when they met and he called my parents by grandparent titles. It kind of made it easier when they had a child together...both children called my parents the same thing.

In my case, it might be too LATE for DS to change what he calls my fiancé. They've known each other since DS was 2 because DF has been his swim teacher for a long time, and he's always called him "Mr. _____ (DF's first name). I imagine by now it's a habit, one that would be difficult for DS to break. (My fiancé and I knew each other for years before swim lessons though; he's my brother's best friend since high school, so he's not simply hitting on his students' moms ) I don't think DS would ever call DF "dad" because (at least for now) he sees his dad on a weekly basis. But it would be nice in the future if he could take the "Mr." part out and just call DF by his name! 

I hadn't thought much about what he'll call DF's parents after we get married. DS calls his paternal grandparents Grandma and Grandpa. Right now he calls my fiancé's parents Mr. & Mrs. _____ (DF's surname), but maybe in the future he could call them Grandma/Grandpa ______ (surname), if he wants to. DF's nieces call their grandparents Gran and Gramps, so that would be a possibility as well, since it's different from what DS calls his paternal grandparents. This all depends on what he is comfortable with, though.

 

Well, this is a little different because it's not my kid, but me.  My mom died, and my Dad remarried.  My sisters and I never called my step-mom "Mom", but I refer to my dad and step-mom together as "my parents". DD calls my step-mom "Grandma" and is incredibly close to her.  When I was pg, I asked my step-mom what she wanted to be called, so it was completely her call.  So I would suggest discussing with your boyfriend's parents what they would prefer to be called.  If you guys are headed for marriage, they may prefer to go straight to grandparent names, or they may want to be more cautious and wait.  FWIW- my sister's fiance has been "Uncle Ben" since DD's birth, even though he and my sister didn't get engaged until last August and aren't getting married until May.  It just felt right at the time, and it was good instinct, because Uncle Ben is DD's absolute favorite person on earth!!

I have talked to my kids, 6, 9 and 15 adn they call my DF by his first name.  As for his parents, thier grandkids call them Missy and Granddad and that is how they signed their christmas gifts this year.  My kids call their paternal grandmarents Nana and Papa and my mom Marmie so it is easy to distinguish between the families.  I don't ever expect them to call my DF dad and he has told them he has no intention of trying to replace their father.  Their Bio dad is very much in their life and I don't seeing that change any time soon.  He has a new girlfriend and they call her by her first name. I only expect my kids to refer to any adult with respect so if tehy choose not to call DF's parents Missy and Granddad then i would hope it is by thier Mr. or Mrs name unless otherwise directed to.

 I think really it is something that they will follow an example on, it all falls to how you refer to your significant other and his parents.  I wouldn't be the one doing the phasing out of thier bio dad.  Let him do the damage himself.