I was fine, then...

2009-11-10T07:23:00Z

Okay. I had a decent day today. I did everything I needed to do... but then I start getting this nauseous feeling I've been having for 3 days. Hmmm... Okay. I begin thinking, that maybe my hormones are acting up. AF's visit was super short this cycle, I was suspicious that maybe, just maybe, I might be preggo. Hah! Wishful thinking. Please! Bought an HPT, did the test and 3 mins later there was a faint, faint line. Now what?? I don't know. Whatever. I kept going on with my day. I was fine. I really was. I prepared my sister's favorite corn casserole to bring along for dinner at her house (always a joy for me!!). Had a fantastic time.

I come back with the mindset that I have three things to do: dishes, feed the dogs, and submit my project list to my boss before going to bed. Well, right in the middle of doing dishes, I start singing (more like humming) this Christmas song we'll be doing for the concert at my church. I love the song. There's a beautiful choir singing, then a children's choir comes along, and I start to bawl at the kitchen sink. My baby - that's all I thought while I heard the children singing in my head. My baby should be singing in that choir, was my thought. I will never see my baby. My baby will never see Christmas. I cried, and cried, and cried tonight, more than I've ever cried in all the days since our loss.

DH was sleeping in the bedroom. I sat down in the sofa in the living room, and cried there silently. I picked up some books that were on the coffee table... I got them wet with tears. I began writing the to-do list, that paper got wet with tears. The voices of the children was loud in head, singing that Christmas song. Tears flooding my face and my clothes. I was still wearing my apron. I just sat there, staring at dead space, into the darkness. The only light on was from a lamp next to the sofa. Everything else was dark and quiet. I kept singing that children's choir part in my head. It made be beyond sad. But I wanted to feel that way. I've struggled with allowing myself to cry and feel sadness, to mourn. I cried and cried. Then I stopped suddenly and I began sensing a sinking feeling of intense pain, heartache. I have never missed my child so much since our loss. I felt I was about to scream and for fear of waking up DH I ran to bathroom and knelt in front of the tub. I relived the moment I birthed our little one in the bathroom. I cried, heavily. I cried out and said "I miss you, I miss you so much! You should be here with me. I love you. I wanted to celebrate Christmas with you. The tree in our courtyard will bloom again for the 9th time next Spring, and you should have been here, in my arms, when I take that yearly picture under the Cherry Blossoms. Your beating heart was so precious to me. Why did you leave so soon? I miss you. I miss you, my love".

That tree in our courtyard is my tree of hope, it's so beautiful. I can see it outside our living room window. Every Spring I see it bloom I pray that the following year when it blooms again I have a baby in my arms. I keep count of every Spring, the times it has bloomed during our TTC journey. The ninth time... Oh, the hopes and dreams I had when I found out I was pregnant and that I would be carrying my baby under that blooming tree... the ninth Spring... That will not happen. There's not a day I pass by that tree that I don't think of my little one.

I'm here thinking, how could I experience Christmas when my heart has been ripped out? Part of me is gone. Absent. Forever. I will never be same. It will never be the same. Why must we go through such experiences that hurt so much and scar us forever? Why is it that you finally had your prayers answered and you're given that wonderful joy you've always wanted to experience and it's taken away, just like that? Did we not want it enough? Did we not pray enough? What do I need to learn from this? Or maybe I don't want to know that...

Here I go, to bed; now a little past 3AM. I don't want to sleep. I just want to daydream about my baby... things that will never happen in real life. But you know what, I think it will bring me joy. I will nurse and change dirty diapers and hear him cry, and I will cuddle and sooth and sing, read books aloud... If only in my dreams I could co-exist with my baby then I will daydream, now.

Talk you to all later.

The what-I-write-when-I-should-be-in-bed Blog

I was fine, then...