My thermometer has been shipped! Yay.

I read just about everything TCOYF book had to say on temp taking. I think I might be prepared lol. I had several dreams last night that after charting for awhile I discovered that I had everything wrong. I think I am paranoid

DH and I spent quite a bit of time laying in bed talking this morning. I realized that I am STILL trying to figure out what I did wrong to cause the two miscarriages. We talked a lot about how me blaming the miscarriages on "something I must have done wrong" is not helping me heal. We talked about how I need to forgive his sister for saying that my miscarriages where "due to unrepentant sin".

Its funny cause I know the right answers, but that doesn't mean they penetrate my heart. I know I didn't do something to cause the miscarriages. I know that is was most certainly not punishment from God for some "unrepentant sin" (my God is not a cruel God!). I know that two miscarriages does not necessarily mean I will never have another baby.

But how do I transfer the knowing into believing? Its been just over 3 months since #2 and 6 months since #1.....when will I actually be ok? Some days I feel like I am ok and things are good....we can have another baby and the two miscarriages where just something that happens. Other days (more like weeks) I am certain that I will never be able to be pregnant and stay pregnant. That everything is not ok and I just wish I could crawl into a hole or cave or something. A place where there is no pregnant women. A hole where miscarriage doesn't exist. A hole where there is no pain and no hurt. The only place like that I know of is heaven and the Lord hasn't called me home yet.

DH and I also talked about his desire to try again. He says he feels guilty because he wants a baby and for us to try again....but that means if we have another miscarriage its ME who has to go through the physical turmoil, not him (his words). He said he is supposed to protect me and when I had the miscarriages there was nothing he could do but hold me. I told him that was all I needed...was for him to be there for me and love me. To support me while I went through that pain, sorrow, and hurt. He said that he is glad he could do that for me........but he wants to protect me from it ever happening again. So hence he feels guilty that he wants a baby which means I might possibly have to suffer again.

So basically we are both stuck in a cycle of desire and fear. Should we wait or should we try?

Does this ever get better?