This is my first blog post. I should start off with telling about my family.

I am a married mother of 2. My husband and I married on July 11th 2009! We have two beautiful girls, Janelle (9) and Meredith (3). Both are a handful, but are our joy! Biologically they are not my husband's....but he loves them like they are his very own flesh and blood.

My husband and I decided to start trying for #3 as soon as we married. We do not believe chemical/medication birth-controls are right for us. I personally become a psycho on BC. We never thought we would have a problem getting pregnant since I already had no problems getting pregnant with the two girls. In August we discovered that we were pregnant and were very happy. In early October I started spotting and went in for an u/s. The technician could not find anything other than a sac and diagnosed it as a Blighted Ovum. My OB (who is AWESOME btw) decided to wait and repeat the u/s in 3 weeks. We went in and they found the fetus, but they baby had died very early on and the sac for some reason kept growing. A few days later I started heavily bleeding at 8 1/2 weeks and passed naturally without need of DNC (which my OB is against unless it is absolutely necessary).

We decided to wait the traditional 3 cycles before getting pregnant again, but after only 2 cycles we discovered I was again pregnant. We found out at just 5 weeks and at 6 weeks I started bleeding real heavy. We again passed naturally without the need of a DNC on January 30th 2010

I was diagnosed with High Prolactin when Janelle was 2.  They started me on bromocriptin....but I had such major headaches that I was put on Dostinex which worked great. My OB told me to wean off a month before we married so I could get pregnant and not miscarry. I weaned off, but still miscarried. I went back on the dostinex, but when DH lost his job we could no longer afford the 4 tablets a month at $225 out of pocket. I went off the Dostinex again and then miscarried #2. My OB re-tested my levels and I was at a 78 a month after the 2nd miscarriage (not the highest I have ever been at). He had me go back to Bromocriptin since its A LOT cheaper....but it has unpleasant side effects.

So now its been 3 cycles since my second miscarriage and DH and I are struggling whether we wait till we get insurance again and can stay on top of the prolactin issues..........or should we try again now? We are terrified of another miscarriage, but at the same time there are babies EVERYWHERE and we just want one so bad.

We have been using the FAM method with success to keep from getting pregnant. I am just so unsure what to do.

I want DH to be able to watch his child grow in my tummy....I want to see the joy on his face when he watches his baby be born. I feel like I am broken, that I have these stupid medical issues which is stealing our joy. I want to give him what other dads get so bad, but feel like I have cheated him out of something so precious. He says he doesn't feel that way and that he loves our girls....he reassures me all the time. He is such a wonderful husband. However I cannot help but feel like I did him wrong by having these miscarriages.

Life goes on....does it not? My heart hurts, my heart loves, I have sorrow, I have joy....and the world keeps turning. "The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away. Blessed be the name of the Lord."