Older Mama's Hopes

The journey continues

2010-06-09T18:36:00Z

Our journey continues and it's been somewhat frustrating for me. I keep the quote running through my head, "it will be wonderful if it doesn't" it helps, but each month that starts over is getting harder to deal with.

Three weeks ago, we attended the service for the wee one we lost, it was small, maybe 8 or 9 other couples and families in attendance, all in varying stages of grief. The hardest part of it was seeing the tiny white casket that all the wee ones were in together. The site in which they were being put to rest was lovely, under three large old leafy trees on a hillside. As I looked up into the trees, it almost looked like their branches were reaching out to embrace them, that made me feel lots better knowing that even though they are heaven bound and angels already, nature was embracing and protecting them as well.

My husband and daughter helped me through that day, tough as it may be. My husband was my strength, my daughter my light. Someone asked me if this brings closure, only in some ways I think. In the physical loss and saying good bye, yes. With the love in my heart, no, not at all. Both the babies we have lost were in early development, I never got to hear heartbeats, see them or feel them squirm about in my belly. But from the day I knew I was pregnant, a great love grew in that short time. So no, that closure will never be I think. I still cry some days for them both, but I know they are in a better place right now keeping an eye on us.

We have continued hope that we will carry another to term and have additions to our family. Time will tell, but in the meantime we love, we try and we hope. For that will help move us on our journey and hope soon that we will find another someone to enter our hearts.

Yes, I am older - SO WHAT!

2010-06-02T00:26:00Z

This is just something that bothers me to no end, yes, I am almost 40, yes, I have a daughter that is two, and yes, if we can, we'd love to have more. That being said, why do people need to point out that being an older parent isn't desirable?

I was reading the gossip sites this weekend and saw that a famous singer is pregnant with twins after IVF, yeah for her and family I say! What I hated seeing were the comments that people posted to the story about the couples age and their health. Why do people feel the need to let women who are older and pregnant or TTC what their wonderful opinions are? I was sadden to see that one poster had stated "Why would medical staff allow anyone with health issues go through IVF?" (not being able to conceive on their own at that age they stated was the main "health issue" for this couple they felt). That just irritated me to no end and brought me back to what I hear from some people as an older mama and someone who is TTC.

Why do people feel the need to open their mouths and let you know that you are way too old to be having kids? My own family is perfectly fine with my husband and I hoping to grow our family. It hasn't been the easiest journey, but as I stated earlier it's not as rough as what some of you other ladies have gone through and experienced. But what I do have, a sister-in-law that feels it's her place to keep telling me; usually when I am down, that "who in their right mind would ever have a child over 35?!" I am usually sitting right there as she goes on her rant about this and I can't escape. I so would love to scream, that DD of mine that you love so well? Don't forget she was born when I was 37 heading into 38. This woman hasn't yet figured out to be quiet and when the mood strikes her, she will go on and on about older mamas and how she'd "never put herself in that position, EVER". I am so glad that her life has worked out perfectly and in the time frame she allotted herself. Whatever.

Yes, I am a bit flippant about it all. If the world were genuinely perfect, I too would have met my husband when I was younger and I would have all my babies by now. But the world hasn't worked that way for me. I am generally pleased with the way life is coming together for me and us as a family. I met my husband at 34, married at 35 and conceived and lost our first one at 36, had DD at 37 and most recently lost our last one 3 days before I turned 39. Before that time, I had been diagnosed with cancer, so between ages 27 and 32 I was told that I shouldn't try to have children, making sure I went into remission/cured after five years, then I could think about it. I know God has plans for us all, and mine just happens to be on a later schedule then some ladies.

What I really wish is that the world and everyone in it would be just as excited for a woman who is 35+ and TTC/pregnant as they are for a woman at 25 TTC/pregnant. Yes, TTC has its own ups and downs for everyone, but once you get a BFP, you are over the moon, doesn't matter what age you are. Yes, as an older mama, there are more worries during pregnancy, but the medical staffs I have encountered have generally been a big cheering section for me and anyone else I have met in my age group. I come from an older mama and both my grannies had children into their mid 40s without issue, so I know it can be done and have never felt the stigma of being older until recently, usually precipitated by my SILs mouth opening.

So in ending this, I am sorry if I offended anyone, but sometimes it needs to be said. I have met some wonderful ladies on here that are just as excited about their new journeys over 35, so cheer I do. I am also here to cheer on all those mama's and mama's2B that have been in similar situations as me. Know that you are full of moxy, that your kids will keep you young, and that there is hope and excitement in conceiving your wee one. And know that I am in your corner every time you may hear that you are too old, why would you do this and the like. Like everyone else, we'd like to expand the love that's in our hearts and all the hopes to the next little one who'd be happy to receive it. Best wishes to you all and just be happy whenever you hear that anyone is TTC/pregnant no matter what their age. It's an exciting and wonderful time that they chose to share with you!

It will be wonderful if it doesn't

2010-05-05T17:25:00Z

I was cleaning off my desk today and ran across something I had written down, just weeks after I miscarried.

"One more time. Not because it won't be terrible if it happens again, but because it will be wonderful if it doesn't."

This I found on a website talking about TTC after miscarrying, a husband talking to his wife. I shared it with my husband at the time, tears quickly sprang forward and he said let's try again when you are ready. Well, we both are ready, and have been trying. And running across this made me think of then and what we were dealing with and now on our newest journey.

We haven't had the easiest of journeys and I know there are lots of couples who have longer and harder stories to tell and I grieve with you when you grieve. Loosing a child is the hardest thing ever, it doesn't matter if you are a few days pregnant or lots further ahead. You still develop all sorts of feelings and love for the little one growing inside of you. We have now lost two in early weeks of pregnancy. This most recent one was harder to deal with. I am not sure why, could it be my age? Could it be that I see my little one who is two running all over the place and know that we'd like to produce a life long friend for her? I am not sure. When I was told, I actually had gone in for my first appointment with the doctor at 10 weeks. I met with her, she was doing the quick ultrasound and said, "gee, I am never really good w/these" and sent me on to have two ultrasounds right then and there. I came back to meet w/my doctor who told me the news. She was crying as she told me the news that there was no heartbeat and growth had stopped a few weeks before. I think she was waiting for me to break down right there. I didn't. With bad news, it usually takes me a while to process and then I am a mess.

Three days before my birthday I had my D&C, it was hard in the respect I was going into a clinic seeing all sorts of mama bellies knowing I'd be coming out empty handed. My husband and daughter came with that day to wait for me and take me home. Right before I left them, my little one came up and kissed my belly, that was one of the hardest things to do was let her kiss my belly one last time.

In a month's time we will attend a burial for the remains of our dear little one. Our hospital participates in the SHARE program and twice yearly they perform a burial for those pregnancies lost early. We attended their memorial service at Christmas which helped us through that time, we brought an ornament to place on the hospital Christmas trees that they will put out each year. We brought one for our first loss as well. It was phenomenal to see the parents that still return years after their loss. Some of them told me it made them happy to do this for their little ones not with them.

As we TTC number two out of four, maybe luck will be on our side. I keep hoping it will. This time we are under the same roof, we weren't with the first child we loss and with our current little one, though married, we were living in two different cities to remain employed, working in TTC on weekends. With the third pregnancy we had hoped to time it just right, we got pregnant within two cycles of trying, the wee one just didn't develop right. I still worry, the fear of loosing yet another, the weight I put on worrying, the lack of extra income, how will we do this, but we know we'd love to add to our small family and I have to set those worries aside and trust that it will all turn out in the end. Those words echo in my head, "it will be wonderful if it doesn't" and that keeps us wanting to continue on our journey to try. So here is hoping and praying that we will be able to welcome another and perhaps others to our small family. And wishing all those on a similar journey the best of luck.