laurenAZ

Pregnancy didn't cure my infertility

laurenAZ — Mon, 02 Aug 2010 23:07:00 GMT

I haven't been writing in this blog because for so long it was a blog about my infertility, and it seemed strange to suddenly start writing about pregnancy when I knew so many women reading it had empathized with my struggles and were in the same situation. I'm still not comfortable writing about my pregnancy here, so I'll refrain from going into too many details about the pregnancy itself. In a nutshell, the pregnancy has been great so far, baby looks healthy (and adorable if I do say so myself), and I'm hopeful the next 20 weeks will be as uneventful as the first 20 weeks.

Having said that... I'm disappointed in myself that getting pregnant didn't get rid of the bitter, infertile girl living inside me. As it turns out, I underestimated my ability to "get over" the roller coaster that has been the last two years.

I think what's bothering me the most is that my initial emotion is still sadness when someone tells me she's pregnant. Within the past four months, six of my friends have announced pregnancies. Sadly, two of those ended in early losses. But EVERY single one of those pregnancies happened on the first try. I am nothing but happy for my friends - and I mean that from the bottom of my heart - but every pregnancy that is announced is another reminder of what I had to go through. That I'm broken. I'd never wish infertility on anybody, and I'm so thankful that everyone I know IRL has gotten pregnant on the first try. But it is a constant, painful reminder that I DIDN'T get pregnant on the first try. That it took two years and a miscarriage and $25,000 and hundreds of injections and countless doctor's appointments and failed treatments before we finally got lucky. At 12 weeks I got to stop taking PIO injections, and my first thought was that I could finally be a "normal" pregnant woman like everyone else. I respect the amazing science that is allowing me to be a mother, but I want to forget that I used it. And it's impossible.

I'm going back to work tomorrow after having the summer off, and the staff will be greeted with the announcement that three of us currently teaching are pregnant, as well as two teachers who recently left. We're all due within three months of each other. I am bracing myself for the, "Wow there's must be something in the water!!" jokes from my colleagues and parents. I'm dreading it. As much as I want to forget all my efforts to get pregnant, they happened. And it took a LOT more than water to get me pregnant. I'm still SO hyper-sensitive to comments like that. That's the part of me I wish would die. When will these feelings go away? When will I stop being so sensitive? When will I start reacting with happiness to others' pregnancies?

I thought getting pregnant would mean I'd be walking around on clouds, living in pure, unadulterated bliss. And don't get me wrong - it IS like that most of the time. I've never been so happy. But in the midst of all that happiness, the infertile in me just won't die.

I Can't Get Out of my Head!

laurenAZ — Sat, 01 May 2010 00:44:00 GMT

A foreword: Do forum courtesies apply here? Do I have to say "pg mentioned" each time I post? I don't want to be insensitive.

So I've been seeing a counselor ever since my miscarriage in August. Over time we talked less about the miscarriage and more about coping with infertility in general. All along I expected my problems would all just melt away when I was pregnant. I was WRONG!

I cannot stop worrying. How on earth do women who've struggled with infertility and miscarriage ever enjoy a pregnancy without worrying every second of the day?? It's like I refuse to believe this could all end well. I've waited two years to be pregnant and now it's here and I spend more time scared and worried than I do jubilant and excited! I also have an extremely unhealthy obsession with the internet. I spend hours a day googling, "chance of miscarriage," "HCG levels predict early miscarriage," "average HCG levels," etc. Seriously, WHO DOES THAT?!

I literally feel like I'm going crazy. I feel weird saying this to a bunch of people who don't know me because I'm afraid you'll think I'm really nuts. But I'm not. I promise I'm a totally normal, well-educated, happily married, healthy, 30-year-old elementary school teacher. I'm not weird or superstitious. But infertility has made me insane. No joke.

After my miscarriage, I really struggled with the idea that I had done something to deserve it. I beat myself up daily, analyzing every aspect of my personality to try to figure out why I was handed infertility and a miscarriage when everyone around me had babies with such ease. I talked a lot about that in counseling, and I thought it had gotten better. But now that I'm pregnant, it's back - this weird feeling like the universe will yank this all away from me if I make one wrong move.

For example, I was in line at Target the other day and a woman with only one item got in line behind me. I managed to convince myself that if I didn't offer to let her go ahead of me, I'd have a miscarriage. On the flip side, my dad fell off his bike and broke his hip Monday three days before he and my Mom were supposed to go on a European vacation - and I'm convinced this means my pregnancy is going to make it. I didn't feel like the universe would deal out such crappy hands TWICE to the same family. Crazy right? And then of course I think that's a horrible and selfish thought and I'll get punished for thinking that way! It's a vicious cycle.

I also think I have to do everything the opposite from my first pregnancy. The first time I told a few people I was pregnant - this time I wouldn't tell anyone except DH and one friend (who I DIDN'T tell last time). The first time I posted in the pregnancy announcements section here - this time I'm afraid that posting an announcement will jinx me and I'll miscarry. My SIL was the first one to know about my last pregnancy - I called her with the HPT still in my hand. And even though I DESPERATELY want to talk to her and ask her questions and have someone to comfort me, I'm afraid that will cause a miscarriage since I told her last time.

I also have this crazy idea that I'm going to miscarry because I always fall into whatever the smallest likelihood is - like having PCOS, losing an ovary, MFI, my first miscarriage, etc. These things are all against the odds, even if they're not entirely uncommon. Even with he good things I'm in the smaller percentage - like, who with one ovary really winds up with 13 blasts after an IVF cycle? I had a 65% chance with the IVF: BFN. I only had a 35% chance with the FET: BFP! Whatever the least likely outcome is, that's where I seem to fall. So even though the odds of miscarriage are around 20% right now, it seems like it's my destiny to fit into that percentage.

I feel HORRIBLE writing and feeling these things. For years I have DREAMED of this. And it's finally here and I can't enjoy it. Why can't I believe that things will work out? WHY - when everything I read says there's an 80% chance I'll have a baby in eight months - do I continue to dwell on the 20% chance that I won't?

I just want to get excited. I want to paint the nursery and ask my mother-in-law to start working on a quilt and buy baby clothes and tell my friends. I want to fill out my pregnancy journal and take pictures of my belly (or lack thereof) every week. When does this worry go away?

My first ultrasound is on Wednesday and it simply cannot get here soon enough. I'm hoping that a few days from now we'll have seen a beautiful, strong heartbeat, and I can start to relax at least a little bit! Plus I really want to tell my parents about my pregnancy - it might provide some happiness during what is a REALLY rough time for my dad. Only FOUR days to go...

The verdict is in...

laurenAZ — Sat, 17 Apr 2010 00:34:00 GMT

...and I'm pregnant!

That's the short version!

And now the long version so I have it recorded for posterity...

I never did break down and test early, so I showed up at the RE's office today completely in the dark about the results. i went to work for a couple of hours and then left again for my annual exam with my OBGYN. (I scheduled the appointment 14 months ago, so it was complete coincidence that it coincided with my beta). I chatted with my favorite nurse Stacy, who saw me through my entire miscarriage and is my biggest cheerleader. I told her all about the IVF journey and how I'd find out today at 4 p.m. what the results were. She said I HAD to call her because she'd be chewing her fingernails all day wondering. My doc was equally excited and hopeful for me.

So I managed to make it through the rest of the day at school. At 4 p.m. I dropped my students off and had to stop in the office. I got back to my room at 4:10 and saw that I'd already missed the call. I listened to the message and tried to figure out if it sounded positive or not. I called back and fortunately the doc was available. She asked how I was, and I responded I wasn't sure yet. I asked how SHE was, and honestly I don't remember the rest of the conversation. I think she said something about being frustrated because she'd been waiting ALL DAY to call me and give me the news: I'm pregnant.

I immediately started crying. Then I asked her what the number was, and she said 158. Then I started crying harder because with my miscarriage, the numbers never got above 67. She said it's a great starting point, and I already am feeling cautiously optimistic because that number is so much better than where I was before. She reminded me to keep taking my meds, said to come back Tuesday to check my numbers again, and then we said goodbye.

Only one person IRL knew about my beta today, and she works with me. So I called her crying and said, "Can you come to my room?" It was a little mean, I know, because I was sort of implying it was bad news... When she arrived I said through tears, "We can't get our tattoos," which had been the plan if I got a BFN. She started SCREAMING and literally jumping up and down in my classroom. It was awesome. She's been such a good friend and so supportive ever since my miscarriage in August. It was so exciting to finally give her good news.

After she left, I called Stacy back, who had the same reaction. She started screaming into the phone and sounded so genuinely happy. It really touched my heart actually. I asked her to tell my doctor and she said, "Are you kidding me? The whole office is going to know by 5:00!"

So I finally drove home - and boy did that drive feel loooooong. As I was getting out of my car, DH happened to walk into the garage to throw something in the trash can. And I just blurted out, "I'm pregnant." It was so funny because the first time - when it was more of a surprise - I had this whole involved, creative plan to tell DH. This time I just blurted it out in the garage with my school bag on my shoulder and him with a bag of trash in his hand! It didn't take away from how amazing the moment was though. Then I came inside and told him every detail from start to finish. Then I went and took an HPT just so I could see the line, lol. And now I'm just sitting here writing because I absolutely feel like I'm dreaming and this reminds me that it's all real.

The due date of my miscarriage is in exactly ten days. I am so grateful to have this pregnancy and this new hope to help get me through that day.

So in closing, I am absolutely on Cloud 9. There's obviously a part of me that's terrified - a lovely side effect of infertility and a previous miscarriage - but I feel so hopeful and positive and excited! I just can't believe it's real!!!

In the 10DW...

laurenAZ — Thu, 08 Apr 2010 04:19:00 GMT

One of the FEW perks of IVF and FETs is that there's no longer a 2WW. Instead I'm in the 10DW - the 10-day wait between my FET and my beta.

So my first FET was yesterday, about 5 1/2 weeks since the official BFN in what I thought was a near-perfect IVF cycle. I remember being soooo disappointed to find out I'd have to wait this long for the transfer, and it's hard to believe it's finally here!

Through most of this cycle, I actually had a hard time dealing with how hands-off it was. With the IVF cycle, I always felt so actively involved. It gave me this sense of control over my fertility, like I was actually DOING something. The FET cycle was actually really difficult because there was nothing to DO except take a couple of pills every day. But as the ET date grew closer, I realized that physically my body was in much better shape this time around. I'm not bruised and battered and over-stimulated and constipated and exhausted. So I went the opposite route this time and just tried to RELAX (and eat TONS of fiber, lol).

I got an amazing relaxation massage on Monday night. Then I went to work for only a couple of hours Tuesday morning. DH picked me up at school and we drove to the RE clinic, where the acupuncturist was meeting me. I made DH leave the building this time because there was no way I was going to relax and breathe and meditate with him sitting in the room staring at me, and I kick him out of the room before I go into stirrups anyway! So I undressed from the waist down, laid back, and let this woman poke needles in me! I have no aversion to needles (who really could after going through IVF), but it was a little weird having them in my ears and forehead! The needles stayed in for a while, and whether it was psychosomatic or not, I did feel very relaxed. At times I also felt like I could feel my blood pumping. Of course I was also on valium, so who knows what caused that!

A bit later it was time for the transfer and i was SUPER-excited that my favorite doctor was doing the transfers that week. He's got the best bedside manner and isn't afraid to be optimistic. My official RE seems like she's just afraid to give anyone false hope. She'll never say much about what your chances are, or make any kind of prediction about how your cycle will go or how many eggs you'll get or whatever. Whereas Dr. J predicted my entire cycle last time, and was correct. He was the first one to tell me he thought I'd get 10-15 eggs, even with my AFC of 7. He wasn't afraid to tell me how many mature eggs I'd get either, even though the other RE wouldn't give an answer the day prior. So I just appreciate that he's optimistic without crossing the line into making promises he can't keep!

The transfer went SO smoothly. I have a tilted uterus and last time Dr. F had a difficult time getting the catheter in. I'd also had waaaay too much to drink last time and was in MAJOR pain. This time I didn't even make a point to drink water. I just went to the bathroom before work and didn't go again and that turned out to be fine. Anyway, Dr. J put the catheter right in, it went right where it was supposed to, and I didn't feel a thing. (The acupuncturist said it could be because the acu is supposed to relax the whole uterus). The embryologist said she thawed the two best quality embies, both survived the thaw, and we still have nine on ice. Before I knew it, the embies were transfered and the doc was showing me where they were on the ultrasound! I was probably in the room less than 10 minutes. The doctor was SO optimistic. He said everything looked great and went perfectly and he felt really good about my chances. What made me feel really good was that he said even by chance this cycle didn't work, he felt pretty confident I'd be successful with the embies I have and probably shouldn't need another IVF cycle, based on what he's seen in the past. For just a moment, I was able to go back to thinking about WHEN I'll get pregnant instead of IF I'll get pregnant. That IF has been haunting me ever since this stupid High FSH diagnosis. He also said that in "young" patients like myself (nice to still be considered young!) the frozen rates and the fresh rates at their clinic are identical. Woohoo! I'm just happy that he feels so hopeful about this cycle because he's been right every step of the way. I think he's my good luck charm! WHEN I get pregnant this cycle, I'm totally buying the shirt from cafepress that says, "My doctor knocked me up" in honor of Dr. J!

So afterward I was wheeled back out, declined the bedpan (yeah!) and did the second acupuncture session. I completed the required one hour of bedrest at the doc's and then went home to be on bedrest for the rest of the day. I was able to stay in bed and relax and didn't really need to get up, so that was nice. Last cycle I had major tummy issues on the day of the transfer (the iVF meds REALLY beat up my digestive system), and I was always convinced that's why the pregnancy didn't take. Dumb I know, but still I'm glad to see those issues aren't plaguing me this cycle so far!

So things went about as smoothly as I could have hoped for. Now I just keep taking progesterone shots and WAITING. Waiting waiting waiting... Wouldn't you think I'd be used to that by now? My beta will be next Friday, April 16. The timing of all of this is significant because the due date of my miscarriage would have been April 26. I so desperately want - NEED - to be pregnant by April 26. I don't know how I'm going to face that day without at least the hope of being pregnant again. I NEVER would have thought I wouldn't be pregnant by April 26, but here I am. Of course if I'd known during my m/c that it would have taken this long, I don't think I would have made it through. So it's probably better I went month to month thinking I'd get pregnant easily.

So anyway, nine more days to go and in the meantime I will be praying that this is FINALLY going to be it for me.

Thanks so much to those of you who read this, listen, commiserate, offer your thoughts and prayers. It means a lot.

Waiting for my FET

laurenAZ — Fri, 02 Apr 2010 02:16:00 GMT

On Tuesday I had my long-awaited monitoring appointment for my FET cycle. Well I guess I "only" waited a month, but it was a looooong month after my first IVF was a BFN. Even though I knew there was relatively little that could go wrong, I was still pretty nervous. I was scared I'd ovulated or that my lining wouldn't be thick enough. So I was VERY relieved to get a call Tuesday afternoon saying I was approved for the FET!

Last night I went back on my PIO injections, Saturday I start Medrol, Monday antibiotics, and Tuesday is the day of the transfer - four days from now.

I'm thinking of getting acupuncture before and after the transfer. I made the first phone call tonight to ask about it, and I'll know tomorrow morning whether they can fit me in. It turns out the practictioner is already going to be at my RE's office doing acupuncture for the patient before me! So they're trying to see if there would be an overlap or if they can fit me in too. I've always wanted to try it and I figure with all the money we've spent thus far, what's another $350?

I go back and forth between feeling hopeful and feeling like this is futile. On the one hand, it's hard to feel 100% hopeful when you've already had an IVF cycle fail. My clinic says their frozen success rates are similar to their fresh success rates, but everywhere I look I find literature that's telling me my chances are lower with an FET. Obviously my logical brain is thinking, "Well I didn't get pregnant with IVF, so how am I supposed to get pregnant with FET, which has even lower success rates than IVF?!"

On the other hand, I think my body is waaay more relaxed and prepared this time. IVF is really hell on one's body. Frozen cycles are a piece of cake. I feel like I'm more relaxed and receptive to a pregnancy right now. And TMI, but I had major tummy issues as a result of all my meds last time, and I just know that wasn't helping anything! I'm hoping that a massage, some acupuncture, and some relaxation will help things this time.

Two weeks from today will be my beta. I hope this is finally my miracle.

And so I'm 30...

laurenAZ — Sat, 13 Mar 2010 15:01:00 GMT

Today is my 30th birthday. I've been dreading it for weeks. Everyone IRL thinks I'm just doing the obligatory complaining about "the big 3-0," when the truth is that today is just a huge, neon, flashing reminder that I have no children. It was always in my plan to have children by 30, and I don't. And I can't believe I don't. Today is also a reminder that I should be 8 months pregnant. When I got my positive pregnancy test all those months ago, I thought the timing was funny because it meant I'd JUST miss having kids by 30. I thought it was the universe's way of teasing me and saying, "See, you can't plan EVERYTHING." And then I miscarried and haven't gotten pregnant again and obviously there's nothing funny about that. Now I don't know WHAT the universe is trying to tell me. On good days days it's telling me, "There's a reason for all of this and someday you'll have a beautiful baby and figure out what that reason is." On bad days (like today), it's telling me, "Give it up. You're never going to be a mother. Stop wasting your time and money and emotions."

This week I requested a meeting with the HR director of my school district to ask for infertility coverage with our insurance package. Although the meeting went well and he was kind and receptive, I got a call the next day saying he'd looked into it and the district was not ready to spend the money. They cover our insurance 100% and want to keep it that way, and they can't afford to add on $120,000 for IF coverage. So even though it would break down to $4 per paycheck per employee for top-of-the-line IF coverage, they're not willing to do it at this point because they don't want us paying anything for our insurance. He also mentioned that no other school districts offered IF coverage. He said my district wants to keep the insurance 100% paid for because he thinks it draws and keeps employees. But I think he's looking at it wrong. Wouldn't being the only district in the date to offer kick-ass insurance benefits for $100 a year actually draw and retain employees? Why not present ourselves as a compassionate, family-friendly district who cares about its employees and supports their family-building efforts? Instead of assuming we'd rather have mediocre insurance for free, why not ask us if we'd be willing to pay $100 a year for comprehensive insurance that covers IF? I mean seriously, I'm a TEACHER. My district is made up of women who love children. Surely a majority of them would be on board with including IF coverage for $4 a paycheck?

Anyway, I wasn't expecting a miracle, but I suppose I'm glad I asked. I just wish more people would. Honestly, if every infertile man and woman in the world stood up and said, "I have a medical problem NOT covered by insurance," maybe society would actually SEE it as a problem and IF insurance would become the norm.

So even though I wasn't expecting to get anywhere with my meeting, I fell into a depression after it. For a few days there, I had a purpose. And I thought maybe I'd found the reason I was handed IF. I thought maybe it was my cross to bear because I was strong enough to bear it and use it to incite positive change. But it didn't work. And now I'm right here back to waiting and not being pregnant.

Yesterday my friends from work went to see our coworker who had a baby last week. It's the second time they've gone, and both times I've luckily had prior plans and couldn't make it. I'm wondering how long I can continue to make excuses. I adore my friend, but I found out I was pregnant only days after she told me she was pregnant. When I miscarried, I couldn't bare to be around her because she's a constant reminder of what I lost. We were supposed to be pregnant together. And now that her baby is here, all I can think about is how I should be a month away from having my own. I feel like a terrible friend, but in my current state I know I'm not strong enough to go see her and the baby right now and smile like everything is OK when it's not.

Anyway... I'm in the middle of what seems like an eternal wait for my FET on April 6. I was happy to hear we could move ahead with an FET, but not so happy when I found out it wouldn't be until April 6. They pretty much do the FET when it fits their schedule, unlike with IVF where you have to do things whenever your body wants you to! When I finally got AF, I called the nurse and she said, "OK well the next available date I have is April 6." I had just assumed that if that day was CD1, the transfer would be about three weeks later to match up with when 5dpo would normally be. Nope. They just give me estrogen to hold off my period until they're ready to put me on progesterone and do the transfer 5 days later. It's totally under their control.

Spring break begins today, and it's also my nephew's 2nd birthday (he was the best birthday present ever!!), and I'm going to Las Vegas with friends on Wednesday. I'm trying to keep busy and live my life and not constantly think about how many days until April 6 (and subsequently April 16 when my beta will be), but it's hard. And instead of getting easier, it's getting harder.

OK time to go face my day. Thanks for listening.

I Should Have Known

laurenAZ — Mon, 01 Mar 2010 00:38:00 GMT

I should have known it wasn't going to work for me. I just should have known. And I shouldn't have let myself get excited or hopeful because I should have known it wasn't going to work. And why should it? Apparently my ridiculously perfect cycle with our ridiculously high number of embryos all of ridiculously high quality STILL wasn't enough to get me pregnant.

Sometimes I just don't understand it. It's almost FUNNY. At some point I've forgotten that other people just have sex and get pregnant, but then when I remember this fact, it just makes my failed IVF that much MORE ridiculous. Doctors literally took the egg, put the sperm inside it, watched it grow for five days, put it directly into my uterus, and I'm STILL not pregnant! Seriously? I just don't know what else to do. There's nothing we could have done differently or better. And it used to be that I'd look at all my friends who got pregnant naturally and be angry toward them, but now I'm even looking at other women who did IVF and I'm resentful! (And ashamed of it, btw) Women far older, with far fewer eggs retrieved, of far worse quality have managed to have successful IVF cycles. But I at 29 with 18 fertilized eggs and 2 AAA blasts transferred couldn't get pregnant. WTF.

And so now it's on to FET cycle #1. On the bright side, my RE said there isn't a waiting period unless I need an emotional break. I don't need a break. I need a baby. So we're moving on. In trying to focus on the positives here, I'm pleased to find that it seems like a fairly "easy" process (not as easy as just BDing with DH would be, but decidedly easier than a fresh IVF cycle), and that I don't have to go through a suppression cycle since my hormones are already "under the control" of my RE from the IVF cycle. AF needs to arrive and then the transfer would be 3-ish weeks later. I'm also glad that there's less monitoring and the schedule is flexible. It seems like we have more control over what day we do the transfer. This is important because while I put my entire life on hold for the IVF cycle, there's a couple of things coming up this month that I CANNOT miss, and therefore an ET couldn't occur on those days.

I'm grateful now that we purchased a multi-cyle package that includes two IVFs and two FETs. I figure we'll attempt both of the FETs before going ahead with an IVF cycle, and with 11 embies on ice I'd think there's a good chance we could do a couple FETs if necessary. I hope it's not necessary... But still, I suppose it's good to know I have options.

I know I shouldn't be thinking it, but I can't help but wonder what I'll do if neither of the IVFs or FETs works... We've already spent around $23,000 on IF treatments, and none of this is covered by insurance. We could afford this first go-round, but I can't imagine what we'll do if we don't get a baby out of this. It just makes me sick to my stomach. Is it really possible I won't be a mother? The funny thing is, I spent my whole life terrified of this and it's coming true. If you had asked me starting at about the age of 10 what my biggest fears were, I would have told you 1) being alone, and 2) never being able to have children. I always KNEW it wasn't going to be easy for us. But now I'm suddenly horrified at the thought that we're moving past "this won't be easy" into "is this even possible?" We just did the most extreme fertility treatment in existence and it failed. How am I supposed to accept that and move forward with any kind of a positive attitude?

To make matters worse, I turn 30 in two weeks, and the due date of my miscarriage is two months away. I had so desperately wanted to be pregnant before both of these dates arrived. It's definitely not going to happen by my birthday, and it'll be a stretch to see if it happens by April 26 when I should be having a baby. I talked with my mom yesterday - who does not know about my IF or failed IVF - about turning 30 and she said, "Well when I turned 30 I had a brand-new baby so I was feeling young and not at all sad abotu turning 30." It was like a knife in the heart. I'm already not dealing well with being childless at 30, and to hear my mom say that was just a reminder of this.

SIgh... so now we're waiting again. Waiting waiting waiting. Does anyone have any idea how long it's going to take AF to show up after stopping PIO injections? I'm just not used to not DOING anything after a month of stimming, monitoring, bloodwork, ultrasounds, etc. I'm anxious to get started again.

Thanks to those of you who read this and listen and share your encouraging words. I know I'm not the only one who ever went through this, and compared to most I probably haven't even been struggling that long. But those facts don't make it hurt any less... to all of us that have to go through this roller coaster.

Wishing and hoping...

laurenAZ — Tue, 23 Feb 2010 04:00:00 GMT

Hope is a scary thing.

It's scary how the more you hope for something, the more you're setting yourself up for disappointment if that something doesn't come. I went into this IVF with so little hope, such low expectations. As we've crossed one hurdle after another, it's been easier to hope. It's been easier to imagine this working. To think about my due date, to plan when my first ultrasound will be, to wonder if I'll be pregnant during my friend's bachelorette party in two weeks. We visited our alma mater yesterday and I actually considered buying a diaper bag with the school's logo on it. I allowed myself to look at the onesies and booties with the school's mascot and talk with my husband about how cute our babies would look in them. I picked up the little cheerleader's outfit and pictured for just one minute actually having a baby girl to put in it.

But all of those thoughts are going to make it that much harder if this doesn't work out. Sometimes I wish our cycle hadn't been so... blessed? Instead we had a perfect cycle that exceeded all of our expectations, which I'm UNBELIEVABLY grateful for, but it's definitely gotten my hopes up. How very unfair it would be to have everything go perfectly and still wind up with no baby... And yet I see it happen on these boards every day. It's just so hard to believe that it could finally be my turn. I know that so many women on these boards have struggled with infertility FAR longer than I did - in fact I wonder quite often if we rushed into IVF - and sometimes I feel like I haven't paid my dues yet. But then again, every friend and relative I had got pregnant on their first try (or without trying at all) and they didn't have to pay any "dues." So maybe it IS my turn.

I'm just so tired. I'm tired of infertility being the third member of my marriage. I'm tired of not being able to remember what life was like before trying to get pregnant. I mean seriously, what did I do with my time before temping and charting and these message boards and incessant google searches on FSH, follicle counts, blastocyst transfer, IVF success rates, blah, blah, blah...

So I'm not going to take a pregnancy test this week. I'm waiting for my beta because I think I'd rather hold onto some hope for a few days. Maybe I'll eat these words and test tomorrow, but for now I'm just going to try to stay calm and hopeful.

Four days to go...

Expecting the Unexpected

laurenAZ — Thu, 18 Feb 2010 13:09:00 GMT

Yesterday I woke up in the middle of a dream that most of my embies had died and the only ones remaining were in horrible condition and graded at the bottom of the scale. I spent all morning before my embryo transfer sick to my stomach thinking this was what I was going to hear from the embryologist.

We arrived at the clinic, were ushered back to the surgical suite, and then waited for almost an hour before the real action began. When I was moved into the room for the transfer, my husband came with me, and the embryologist came to give us the report.

"Well, it looks like you guys have a problem... you've got TOO many good embryos!" Then he laughed and I breathed a huge sigh of relief. My fertilization report was as follows:

20 eggs retrieved

19 eggs mature

16 eggs fertilized

2 eggs fertilized late and are actually still growing! He's watching those to see if they make it to blast.

2 grade AAA blasts (the highest grade they give) selected for transfer that day

And then the part that caused me to nearly fall of the table... We've got ELEVEN frozen blasts all of high quality remaining. ELEVEN.

He gave us pics of the two embies we transferred yesterday, declaring their names to be Larry and Mo (which is totally sticking), and then the doc did the transfer with no problems.

I still don't understand why I've gotten so incredibly lucky with this cycle. It doesn't make sense. Anyone who's read my blog or is in my buddy group has heard me say this 100 times, but seriously. How does a girl with one ovary, and FSH of 12.9, and an AFC of 7 wind up with numbers like this! Even setting aside my supposed IF issues, our percentages are way above the clinic's averages. We had about twice as many eggs retrieved as the average, 95% of our eggs were mature, 95% of the mature eggs fertilized, and at least 65% made it to blast (possibly 75% if these last two make it) and the blasts were all high-enough quality to freeze. No one at the clinic can explain it, but we're all so thankful.

We've overcome every hurdle one has to go through in the IVF process now except for the BFP and actual pregnancy! It's funny how with IVF, those seem like the easy parts after all the appointments, bloodwork, injections, surgeries, etc. We've come this far, and I just can't bear the thought that this won't have a happy outcome. But as I've said before, even the most perfect cycles still don't have any guarantees. So for the next eight days I'm just going to wish and hope and pray that this was all for something, and that it's my turn to be a mom.

Eight days and counting until Beta #1...

The big day (part 1)

laurenAZ — Wed, 17 Feb 2010 14:23:00 GMT

(I guess technically the big day would be the day of my pregnancy test in a couple weeks.. so we'll call this "Big Day Part 1!")

My embryo transfer is this afternoon at 12:30. Last night I had a dream that I got to the doctor's office, and most of the embies had died and the only ones left were in terrible condition. They were going to transfer the two graded "D" because all the rest were "F." (yes I recognize this is not actually the grading scale for embryos, but it's the grading scale at the school where I work so I guess the wires got crossed in my dream!).

I am assuming that if there was some kind of disaster and they all died, someone would have called me yesterday to tell me rather than making me come to the office?

I know I'm being silly and paranoid. Just wanted to get those thoughts out before I started my day. Wishing right now I'd taken the whole day off work instead of trying to deal with 31 7-year-olds all while thinking about my ET!

Fingers crossed I'll be back later with good news!

Halfway there

laurenAZ — Mon, 15 Feb 2010 16:15:00 GMT

I'm at the halfway point of my first and hopefully only IVF cycle. So far things have gone better than anyone expected. Each time a new hurdle comes along, I'm convinced it's the one that'll make us fall. But so far this hasn't happened, and I'm starting to wonder if I might make it through this journey successfully.

When this cycle started a couple weeks ago, I had one ovary, an FSH level of 12.9, and a baseline count of 7. Over the next couple of weeks, to EVERYONE'S disbelief, we saw 20+ follicles miraculously appear on that ultrasound screen. Friday was the day of the egg retrieval, and I kept thinking, "This is where the rug is pulled out from under us. The follicles will be empty. The eggs will be immature. They won't be able to reach the ovary." But instead, they retrieved 20 eggs. A day later our fertilization report arrived - 19 eggs were mature, and 16 fertilized. We had SIXTEEN fertilized embryos. Then came the wait to either three days or five days. This morning the phone rang, and my embryologist gave me the news. The embryos look "excellent," they are "exactly where they are supposed to be," and she expects we'll have a "great outcome," from this. To top it off, two of the eggs fertilized late, so we actually have 18 embryos right now! They are lagging behind and probably won't amount to much, but still. I have 18 little embryos waiting to grow into blastocysyts!

So she officially said not to come in today, and that we were going to wait until Wednsday to reach blast. Even though everyone there told me to expect this news, I was still so relieved and excited to hear it. On Wednesday, we'll hopefully transfer two blasts and with any luck have some left to freeze.

I'm trying so hard to be optimistic, but at the same time I'm SCARED to be optimistic. I know that even when women have perfect iVF cycles - like I thankfully appear to be having - it still doesn't guarantee a pregnancy. I'm afraid of getting my hopes up and then being devastated if things don't work out. It's just so hard not to have any guarantees with this. But I think I just need to be thankful we've gotten as lucky as we have so far with IVF, and remain hopeful our luck will continue.

Transfer is Feb. 17, beta is Feb 26. Counting the days...

Facing reality

laurenAZ — Sat, 06 Feb 2010 17:23:00 GMT

At the end of December I was hit in the face with the news that at 29 my FSH is 12.9 and our best option to conceive is IVF. I haven't blogged since that time because writing about it somehow made it all real. But at this point I'm WAY past the point of no return, so I figured it's time I catch up on my writing.

The morning we had our follow-up with the RE was the same day we were driving to CA for three days. Although the timing was bad, it gave us a lot of time in the car to discuss our options. We decided pretty quickly that we were willing to do IVF. I spent the next week or so debating if I wanted to wait for the summer so I didn't have to deal with my job (teaching) and the demands of an IVF cycle. I eventually decided to start right away because emotionally, I couldn't handle the thought of waiting. Then it was time to deal with the financial issues. We have no IF coverage and were declined for a shared-risk program. Thanks to my one ovary, AFC of 7, and FSH of nearly 13, I was told not to even bother submitting the application for shared-risk. Then, TWO days before payment was due, IntegraMed announced a new multi-cycle discount. You don't get any money back if it doesn't work, but you get two fresh cycles and two FETs for less than the cost of two IVFs. The timing was absolutely miraculous. I feel so fortunate that I mentioned something to the doctor during my u/s about not having insurance, and he said, "Well just yesterday IntegraMed started offering this new plan." We didn't even think twice about it. I just needed to get rid of the stress I was feeling over what would happen if the IVF didn't work or I had another m/c. So that was a blessing sent straight from heaven. We've now officially paid for the program and most of our first round of meds. We've spent just over $20,000 at this point and I'm 100% OK with it. I quit stressing about the money a while ago. It's just money. One day someone quoted some statistic to me about the cost to raise a baby from birth to age 17. Supposedly that cost without inflation is around $200,000. So the way I look at it, for us that cost is around $220,000. So in the grand scheme of things, the $20,000 we're spending on IVF isn't really that big of a deal. It's just the principal of it - that I'm spending this money when other people get this for free.

I went on BCP for about three weeks, and one week ago I started Follistim. It's been an emotion roller coaster but things are definitely looking good right now.

1/18 - SHG and mock transfer. Uterus is nice and smooth, woohoo! Ten follicles. Dr. J says he would anticipate getting 10 eggs "if not into the teens." I'll take it!

1/27 - Baseline u/s. Seven follicles.

1/30 - Start 450 units of Follistim. (This is a HUGE dose due to my FSH and low AFC). Start 50 units low-dose HCG.

2/2 - Ten follicles. Feeling disappointed because I know my chances are lower with less than 10 eggs.

2/4 - 23 follicles. WHAT?! How did that happen? Cried tears of joy on the exam table. Lower Follistim to 300 units.

2/5 - 26 follicles. Dr. F says not to expect that many eggs, but the leads are growing nicely, we will have "plenty" of eggs, and I'm responding "very well."

2/6 - 24 follicles. Dr. J (my favorite) says they are all growing at a comparable rate, all between 8-11mm. He anticipates retrieving between 15-20 eggs. Estimated ER sometime around 2/11 - 2/13.

So I'm feeling very hopeful. With one ovary and such high FSH, I wasn't expecting too many eggs. Dr. J said that in women who lose an ovary, the other ovary often compensates and creates more follicles. He said he's seen it numerous times. He also said that I've got more follicles on my one ovary than most of his patients have with two. He's also encouraged that they're all growing comparably, rather than just a couple lead follies being big and the rest hanging behind. I still don't understand how this is all possible with an FSH number that indicates I shouldn't be able to produce a lot of eggs, but I'm not going to ask questions. I'm just trying to be thankful that things are going as well as they are right now.

The injections haven't been too bad. I take 2-3 shots a night (usually I have to do two shots for the Follistim since my dosage is so high), and they honestly don't hurt that much. When I was doing the 450 of Follistim, the medicine itself burned because it was such a high volume. I can't feel the 300 at all. Tonight I'll start Ganirelix, which means four shots in one night. I'm looking forward to being done with the injections, and I'm a tiny bit disappointed that my follies are growing somewhat slowly and I have to stim longer than I'd hoped. But really I'm just so thankful things are going well that I'll deal with the injections for a few more days (and the high cost of these meds...). The doc says to expect to come back every day until ER because they like to monitor people very closely who are responding this well to meds. As much as I wanted to sleep in tomorrow, I'd rather play it safe!

So that's my IVF journey thus far. My ER is at the end of next week and the ET will hopefully be five days after that if we can make it to blast. In some ways I can't believe how slowly this is going. I've been doing injections for a week now but I'm STILL a week away from retrieval. But at the same time, my first appointment with the RE was less than three months ago, and here I am already in the middle of an IVF cycle. I just really, really, really hope this works. I believe in my heart that it will. I just don't want to deal with any more disappointment or heartbreak. I'm strong, but I question how strong.

Sometimes I can't believe this is where my journey has taken me. I remember when we first started TTC, we'd keep hitting roadblocks and I'd always say to myself, "Well it could be worse. At least we don't need IVF." At our first informational meeting at the RE's, I looked around the table at these women doing IVF and thought, "I'm so glad we just need IUI and I'm not in their shoes." And now suddenly here I am up to my elbows in injections, ultrasounds, bloodwork, doctor's visits, medications, etc. I'm shocked that I "speak IVF" and understand things like antral follicle counts and stimming and all this hormone manipulation. All I can do is to take it one day at a time, but when I really stop and reflect, it's a bit overwhelming to realize where I am.

I got some great advice from a woman on these boards who said to not look at IVF as a last resort. Instead, look at it as an opportunity. That has really resonated with me, and I've come to realize this is what IVF is. It's an opportunity for me to get pregnant. I gave nature a year and a half to work on its own, and now it's time for science. I've got a team of highly trained doctors and nurses who want nothing more than to get me pregnant. It's hard not to see that as an opportunity.

Fingers crossed for continued good news over the next week!

One more step back

laurenAZ — Mon, 28 Dec 2009 19:55:00 GMT

Well I thought I was depressed this morning. That's nothing compared to how I feel now after having met with the RE this morning.

I never even asked her about the lack of temp shift or charting because I was slapped across the face with an FSH of 12.9 and the news that she's recommending we go straight to IVF.

IVF. Four months ago I was pregnant from Clomid alone, and now I'm being told that my best option is IVF and she can't even guarantee that will be successful for me. I never, ever thought this is the route we'd be taking. Every other test we had done came back normal - including amazing SA results for my DH after facing MFI in the past. And this one little number is standing in the way of me getting pregnant.

We have no infertility coverage, of course, and are not eligible for the shared-risk program because of my one ovary and high FSH. I also am facing the fact that if we DO decide to do IVF, it would make sense to wait until this summer when I'm on summer vacation. I'm not sure how I'd handle the stress of all these doctor's appointments while trying to teach every day and not miss work.

I just can't even believe these are things I'm considering. I never saw this coming. I don't even know where to go from here. I'm thinking about calling it quits.

One step forward, two steps back

laurenAZ — Mon, 28 Dec 2009 16:58:00 GMT

That's how I feel this whole journey has been.

I haven't written since my IUI because I've been too depressed. After waiting and waiting and waiting and being SO excited to finally do a Clomid + IUI cycle, I'm pretty sure the cycle is a bust. I had my IUI last Sunday (I'm 8dpiui) and felt GREAT about it - until I woke up the next morning to discover my temp didn't rise. Nor did it rise the day after that. It didn't rise until the third day (after I'd started progesterone supps) and even now my temps are way lower than normal. Honestly, I'm not sure I O'd at all. I DEFINITELY don't think I O'd the day of my IUI.

I don't really understand what's going on. I had a 22mm follicle on CD14 and triggered that night. Supposedly the trigger is a guaranteed O, but then why didn't I have a temp increase? I also had a positive OPK and a peak on the CBEFM the morning of the IUI. Now to me this should have meant I was going to ovulate the following day not that day, but the nurse was pretty dismissive of my concerns and said the OPKs don't test for the HCG hormone in the trigger. Ok.

They were also pretty dismissive when I called the day after the IUI to ask why I didn't have a temp rise. I was told charting was obsolete and they tell their patients not to do it.

But how am I supposed to ignore the fact that I've been charting for 18 months and have had a clear temp shift in every ovulatory cycle?? I don't see how you can argue with that. And how can I look at those charts and look at this month's with no temp shift and still believe I O'd the day of the IUI?

Today we have a follow-up appt with the RE to go over the results of all of the diagnostic testing. I'm going to ask her point-blank how she feels about charting and see what she says about my concern that I didn't ovulate. Obviously I'm hoping in a week that I'm pregnant and I'll look back at all of this and laugh, but right now I'm not feeling too positive about this first IUI experience. And it makes me nervous about moving onto another cycle because if that trigger shot didn't work for me, I don't want to spend another $1,000 and take more time off work if we're just going to miss the timing and it's all pointless.

I'm frustrated.

My first (and hopefully only IUI) - check!

laurenAZ — Sun, 20 Dec 2009 23:01:00 GMT

So today was my first IUI - well technically an FSP but no one seems to be familiar with FSP on these boards, or maybe the terms are just used interchangeably.

This morning the alarm went off at 6:45 and (TMI) I provided DH with a little "encouragement" before he went off to give his sample at 8 a.m. (It worked!) He arrived back at home at about 8:45 a.m. and at 9:00 I left to go get the IUI at 9:30. We had talked about it and we decided to just go separately. Neither of us wanted to sit at the clinic for two hours, DH has a cold, and frankly I like to keep him away from the medical side of things anyway. (Maybe I'm alone on this, but I want DH to see me and my body as sexy and desirable and I feel like seeing me in stirrups having things inserted into my lady business all the time just takes away from the feminine mystique!). Plus after 18 months of IF, we're past the cute, giggly stage of wanting to do everything together. In the beginning we'd lay in bed after BD all excited and talk about whether we'd just made a baby. Eighteen months later.. not so much! I mean I've been to the doctor or lab six times in the past three weeks - I'm getting pretty good at doing this stuff alone! I did text him after the procedure during my 20-minute rest on the table with the pillow under my hips. That was good enough for me.

Anyway, as usual my RE's office was totally on top of their game. I LOVE my RE's office - if you're in AZ and want a recommendation, PM me. I didn't even wait a minute before they called me back to change. A couple of minutes after that, the NP came in and started going over the procedure with me. We verified that it was in fact DH's sperm (he was also the only man to make a deposit that day, so that assuaged some of my "what if they insert the wrong man's sperm into me" fears), and she showed me the catheter. I found it funny that the IUI itself is probably the LEAST technical procedure I've had done there, yet it's the one that'll get me pregnant!

She inserted the catheter and of course discovered my stupid retroverted uterus. This required her to remove the catheter, bend it, and "work around some corners." There was some slight cramping but on a pain scale of 1 - 10, it only registered about a 1.5. She got the catheter where it needed to go and then a couple of minutes later, it was done! She left the catheter in for a minute while we went over how to use progesterone suppositories, and then she left me alone for 20 minutes.

Cheesy as it sounds, I brought my headphones and iPhone loaded with Enya. She turned the lights off and I just laid there with the music on trying to relax and picture the sperm meeting the egg. I also pictured DH and I holding a baby in our arms. I truly, truly believe that IUI is going to give us a baby. I just tried to focus on that and think positive thoughts while I waited for the timer to go off. My Mom called somewhere in there which was hilarious - she has no idea we're even TTC, much less doing ART, so she had no idea I was lying in a darkened room, half-naked with a pillow under my hips while we had our conversation! When the timer went off, I got up to change. I was bleeding quite a bit, which she said might happen since we'd had to bend the catheter. She said it could possibly break some capillaries, and she was right. I freaked out a bit at the other fluid that seemed to come out, convincing myself that all the sperm were falling out, but I'm sure that's normal too.

I changed and left and called DH on the way home. My appointment was at 9:30 and I was on the road by 10:15. Now I'm just sitting here dealing with the 2-week wait. As THRILLED as I am that we were able to do the IUI so soon, the timing of it kind of stinks because I'm a teacher on Christmas break. The 2WW coincides EXACTLY with my 2-week vacation. So I want my 2WW to go as fast as possible, but I want my vacation to go as slowly as possible! So that's kind of a dilemma. I'm just really going to try and focus on the holidays and my friends and family and try not to obsess too much over the 2WW..... Right...

So that was my day! I do intend to test out my trigger to make sure it's gone, but then I'm not going to test until 14DPO. I just don't want there to be any question about whether it's the trigger or a BFP, and I don't want to disappoint myself with a negative HPT unless it's necessary. I'm also not going to temp after tomorrow because they'll be high due to the progesterone anyway, and it's just one more thing to obsess over.

So... 6 hours down, 2 weeks to go.