A foreword:  Do forum courtesies apply here?  Do I have to say "pg mentioned" each time I post?  I don't want to be insensitive.

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So I've been seeing a counselor ever since my miscarriage in August.  Over time we talked less about the miscarriage and more about coping with infertility in general.  All along I expected my problems would all just melt away when I was pregnant.  I was WRONG!

I cannot stop worrying.  How on earth do women who've struggled with infertility and miscarriage ever enjoy a pregnancy without worrying every second of the day??  It's like I refuse to believe this could all end well.  I've waited two years to be pregnant and now it's here and I spend more time scared and worried than I do jubilant and excited!  I also have an extremely unhealthy obsession with the internet.  I spend hours a day googling, "chance of miscarriage," "HCG levels predict early miscarriage," "average HCG levels," etc.  Seriously, WHO DOES THAT?!

I literally feel like I'm going crazy.  I feel weird saying this to a bunch of people who don't know me because I'm afraid you'll think I'm really nuts.  But I'm not.  I promise I'm a totally normal, well-educated, happily married, healthy, 30-year-old elementary school teacher.  I'm not weird or superstitious.  But infertility has made me insane.  No joke.

After my miscarriage, I really struggled with the idea that I had done something to deserve it.  I beat myself up daily, analyzing every aspect of my personality to try to figure out why I was handed infertility and a miscarriage when everyone around me had babies with such ease.  I talked a lot about that in counseling, and I thought it had gotten better.  But now that I'm pregnant, it's back - this weird feeling like the universe will yank this all away from me if I make one wrong move.

For example, I was in line at Target the other day and a woman with only one item got in line behind me.  I managed to convince myself that if I didn't offer to let her go ahead of me, I'd have a miscarriage.  On the flip side, my dad fell off his bike and broke his hip Monday three days before he and my Mom were supposed to go on a European vacation - and I'm convinced this means my pregnancy is going to make it.  I didn't feel like the universe would deal out such crappy hands TWICE to the same family.  Crazy right?  And then of course I think that's a horrible and selfish thought and I'll get punished for thinking that way!  It's a vicious cycle. 

I also think I have to do everything the opposite from my first pregnancy.  The first time I told a few people I was pregnant - this time I wouldn't tell anyone except DH and one friend (who I DIDN'T tell last time).  The first time I posted in the pregnancy announcements section here - this time I'm afraid that posting an announcement will jinx me and I'll miscarry.  My SIL was the first one to know about my last pregnancy - I called her with the HPT still in my hand.  And even though I DESPERATELY want to talk to her and ask her questions and have someone to comfort me, I'm afraid that will cause a miscarriage since I told her last time.

I also have this crazy idea that I'm going to miscarry because I always fall into whatever the smallest likelihood is - like having PCOS, losing an ovary, MFI, my first miscarriage, etc.  These things are all against the odds, even if they're not entirely uncommon.  Even with he good things I'm in the smaller percentage - like, who with one ovary really winds up with 13 blasts after an IVF cycle?  I had a 65% chance with the IVF:  BFN.  I only had a 35% chance with the FET:  BFP!  Whatever the least likely outcome is, that's where I seem to fall.  So even though the odds of miscarriage are around 20% right now, it seems like it's my destiny to fit into that percentage.

I feel HORRIBLE writing and feeling these things.  For years I have DREAMED of this.  And it's finally here and I can't enjoy it.  Why can't I believe that things will work out?  WHY - when everything I read says there's an 80% chance I'll have a baby in eight months - do I continue to dwell on the 20% chance that I won't?

I just want to get excited.  I want to paint the nursery and ask my mother-in-law to start working on a quilt and buy baby clothes and tell my friends.  I want to fill out my pregnancy journal and take pictures of my belly (or lack thereof) every week.  When does this worry go away?

My first ultrasound is on Wednesday and it simply cannot get here soon enough.  I'm hoping that a few days from now we'll have seen a beautiful, strong heartbeat, and I can start to relax at least a little bit!  Plus I really want to tell my parents about my pregnancy - it might provide some happiness during what is a REALLY rough time for my dad.  Only FOUR days to go...