Today is my 30th birthday.  I've been dreading it for weeks.  Everyone IRL thinks I'm just doing the obligatory complaining about "the big 3-0," when the truth is that today is just a huge, neon, flashing reminder that I have no children.  It was always in my plan to have children by 30, and I don't.  And I can't believe I don't.  Today is also a reminder that I should be 8 months pregnant.  When I got my positive pregnancy test all those months ago, I thought the timing was funny because it meant I'd JUST miss having kids by 30.  I thought it was the universe's way of teasing me and saying, "See, you can't plan EVERYTHING."  And then I miscarried and haven't gotten pregnant again and obviously there's nothing funny about that.  Now I don't know WHAT the universe is trying to tell me. On good days days it's telling me, "There's a reason for all of this and someday you'll have a beautiful baby and figure out what that reason is."  On bad days (like today), it's telling me, "Give it up.  You're never going to be a mother.  Stop wasting your time and money and emotions."

This week I requested a meeting with the HR director of my school district to ask for infertility coverage with our insurance package.  Although the meeting went well and he was kind and receptive, I got a call the next day saying he'd looked into it and the district was not ready to spend the money.  They cover our insurance 100% and want to keep it that way, and they can't afford to add on $120,000 for IF coverage.  So even though it would break down to $4 per paycheck per employee for top-of-the-line IF coverage, they're not willing to do it at this point because they don't want us paying anything for our insurance.  He also mentioned that no other school districts offered IF coverage.  He said my district wants to keep the insurance 100% paid for because he thinks it draws and keeps employees.  But I think he's looking at it wrong.  Wouldn't being the only district in the date to offer kick-ass insurance benefits for $100 a year actually draw and retain employees?  Why not present ourselves as a compassionate, family-friendly district who cares about its employees and supports their family-building efforts?  Instead of assuming we'd rather have mediocre insurance for free, why not ask us if we'd be willing to pay $100 a year for comprehensive insurance that covers IF?  I mean seriously, I'm a TEACHER.  My district is made up of women who love children.  Surely a majority of them would be on board with including IF coverage for $4 a paycheck?

Anyway, I wasn't expecting a miracle, but I suppose I'm glad I asked.  I just wish more people would.  Honestly, if every infertile man and woman in the world stood up and said, "I have a medical problem NOT covered by insurance," maybe society would actually SEE it as a problem and IF insurance would become the norm.

So even though I wasn't expecting to get anywhere with my meeting, I fell into a depression after it.  For a few days there, I had a purpose.  And I thought maybe I'd found the reason I was handed IF.  I thought maybe it was my cross to bear because I was strong enough to bear it and use it to incite positive change.  But it didn't work.  And now I'm right here back to waiting and not being pregnant. 

Yesterday my friends from work went to see our coworker who had a baby last week.  It's the second time they've gone, and both times I've luckily had prior plans and couldn't make it.  I'm wondering how long I can continue to make excuses.  I adore my friend, but I found out I was pregnant only days after she told me she was pregnant.  When I miscarried, I couldn't bare to be around her because she's a constant reminder of what I lost.  We were supposed to be pregnant together.  And now that her baby is here, all I can think about is how I should be a month away from having my own.  I feel like a terrible friend, but in my current state I know I'm not strong enough to go see her and the baby right now and smile like everything is OK when it's not.

Anyway...  I'm in the middle of what seems like an eternal wait for my FET on April 6.  I was happy to hear we could move ahead with an FET, but not so happy when I found out it wouldn't be until April 6.  They pretty much do the FET when it fits their schedule, unlike with IVF where you have to do things whenever your body wants you to!  When I finally got AF, I called the nurse and she said, "OK well the next available date I have is April 6."  I had just assumed that if that day was CD1, the transfer would be about three weeks later to match up with when 5dpo would normally be.  Nope.  They just give me estrogen to hold off my period until they're ready to put me on progesterone and do the transfer 5 days later.  It's totally under their control.

Spring break begins today, and it's also my nephew's 2nd birthday (he was the best birthday present ever!!), and I'm going to Las Vegas with friends on Wednesday.  I'm trying to keep busy and live my life and not constantly think about how many days until April 6 (and subsequently April 16 when my beta will be), but it's hard.  And instead of getting easier, it's getting harder.

OK time to go face my day.  Thanks for listening.