I should have known it wasn't going to work for me. I just should have known.  And I shouldn't have let myself get excited or hopeful because I should have known it wasn't going to work.  And why should it?  Apparently my ridiculously perfect cycle with our ridiculously high number of embryos all of ridiculously high quality STILL wasn't enough to get me pregnant. 

Sometimes I just don't understand it.  It's almost FUNNY.  At some point I've forgotten that other people just have sex and get pregnant, but then when I remember this fact, it just makes my failed IVF that much MORE ridiculous.  Doctors literally took the egg, put the sperm inside it, watched it grow for five days, put it directly into my uterus, and I'm STILL not pregnant!  Seriously?  I just don't know what else to do.  There's nothing we could have done differently or better.  And it used to be that I'd look at all my friends who got pregnant naturally and be angry toward them, but now I'm even looking at other women who did IVF and I'm resentful!  (And ashamed of it, btw)  Women far older, with far fewer eggs retrieved, of far worse quality have managed to have successful IVF cycles.  But I at 29 with 18 fertilized eggs and 2 AAA blasts transferred couldn't get pregnant.  WTF.

And so now it's on to FET cycle #1.  On the bright side, my RE said there isn't a waiting period unless I need an emotional break.  I don't need a break.  I need a baby.  So we're moving on.  In trying to focus on the positives here, I'm pleased to find that it seems like a fairly "easy" process (not as easy as just BDing with DH would be, but decidedly easier than a fresh IVF cycle), and that I don't have to go through a suppression cycle since my hormones are already "under the control" of my RE from the IVF cycle.  AF needs to arrive and then the transfer would be 3-ish weeks later.  I'm also glad that there's less monitoring and the schedule is flexible.  It seems like we have more control over what day we do the transfer.  This is important because while I put my entire life on hold for the IVF cycle, there's a couple of things coming up this month that I CANNOT miss, and therefore an ET couldn't occur on those days.

I'm grateful now that we purchased a multi-cyle package that includes two IVFs and two FETs.  I figure we'll attempt both of the FETs before going ahead with an IVF cycle, and with 11 embies on ice I'd think there's a good chance we could do a couple FETs if necessary.  I hope it's not necessary...  But still, I suppose it's good to know I have options.

I know I shouldn't be thinking it, but I can't help but wonder what I'll do if neither of the IVFs or FETs works... We've already spent around $23,000 on IF treatments, and none of this is covered by insurance.  We could afford this first go-round, but I can't imagine what we'll do if we don't get a baby out of this.  It just makes me sick to my stomach.  Is it really possible I won't be a mother?  The funny thing is, I spent my whole life terrified of this and it's coming true.  If you had asked me starting at about the age of 10 what my biggest fears were, I would have told you 1) being alone, and 2) never being able to have children.  I always KNEW it wasn't going to be easy for us.  But now I'm suddenly horrified at the thought that we're moving past "this won't be easy" into "is this even possible?"  We just did the most extreme fertility treatment in existence and it failed.  How am I supposed to accept that and move forward with any kind of a positive attitude?

To make matters worse, I turn 30 in two weeks, and the due date of my miscarriage is two months away.  I had so desperately wanted to be pregnant before both of these dates arrived.  It's definitely not going to happen by my birthday, and it'll be a stretch to see if it happens by April 26 when I should be having a baby.  I talked with my mom yesterday - who does not know about my IF or failed IVF - about turning 30 and she said, "Well when I turned 30 I had a brand-new baby so I was feeling young and not at all sad abotu turning 30."  It was like a knife in the heart.  I'm already not dealing well with being childless at 30, and to hear my mom say that was just a reminder of this.

SIgh...  so now we're waiting again.  Waiting waiting waiting.  Does anyone have any idea how long it's going to take AF to show up after stopping PIO injections?  I'm just not used to not DOING anything after a month of stimming, monitoring, bloodwork, ultrasounds, etc.  I'm anxious to get started again.

Thanks to those of you who read this and listen and share your encouraging words.  I know I'm not the only one who ever went through this, and compared to most I probably haven't even been struggling that long.  But those facts don't make it hurt any less...  to all of us that have to go through this roller coaster.

---

Posted 02-28-2010 12:38 PM by laurenAZ