Eighteen months of infertility and one miscarriage finally caught up to us, and DH and I had our first fight yesterday morning.  And I don't mean our first fight about IF, I mean our first fight ever.  In eight years together. It happened before I went to work at 7 a.m. and I left the house very angry.  Before the school bell had even rung two hours later, we'd already exchanged texts and emails apologizing to each other.  It was my fault, and I knew it.  I woke up to discover my temp drop and realize I wasn't pregnant and was devastated.  What followed was a classic example of a woman expecting her husband to know exactly how she feels and what she needs without ever actually sharing her feelings with him.  Compound this with the fact that DH is dealing with his own feelings and insecurities about our IF, and it just blew up.  I don't know how it didn't happen earlier.

The good news is, it put A LOT into perspective for me.  In fact I think our fight was the best thing that could have possibly happened to us for two reasons.  First, it gave me the opportunity to actually hear DH express his own sadness/frustration/insecurity about our IF.  So many times I'd wondered if I was desperate to have a baby and he was just along for the ride because he knew it's what I wanted.  I'm sad to hear that he's hurting too, but I'm so comforted to know that we want the same thing and we're in this together.

Second - and this is the big one - it made me realize that no amount of money is worth ruining our relationship. I've been so hung up on the costs of all of these diagnostic tests and the cost of IF treatment, and I've realized that I'd rather pay to have a baby than continue to let IF strain my otherwise amazing relationship.  I adore my husband.  He is going to be an incredible father.  It took eight years and infertility for us to have a fight.   And I hated it.  Every minute of it.  And afterward it was very, very clear to me that I'm not willing to risk my relationship because I don't want to spend a couple thousand dollars on bloodwork and an HG. I feel silly even writing that.

I've also come to the conclusion that I need to be better about telling my doctors what I want and not feeling overwhelmed and pressured by their suggestions.  I don't want to take a med-free break this month, so I'm not going to.  I've got a Clomid prescription, and I'll do all of the bloodwork before taking the pills.  I'll do the HSG before I ovulate.  And I'm going to request to skip the baseline u/s.  I've had tons of ultrasounds over the last year thanks to a dermoid cyst on my ovary (which I then had removed) and my m/c in August.  If she wants to know what my remaining ovary looks like, she can see pics of it from August.  So I'm going to do everything they ask, but I'm not skipping the Clomid this month.  I've also decided that I'm going against her recommendation of skipping straight to injectables with our IUI in a couple of months.  If I got PG once on Clomid alone, I think I have a great chance of getting PG on Clomid with IUI.  So that's what I'm going to ask for.

I feel much more calm about where to go from here.  I can't believe that fight - which at the moment seemed like the worst thing ever - has actually provided so much clarity about where I want to go from here.  Blessings come in some very strange disguises sometimes.