... and itching to test.  My one and only BFP in 17 months TTC showed up at 10DPO clear as day.  It was totally unexpected, and now I have this weird obsession with 10DPO.  Like, if I'm going to be pregnant I HAVE to test tomorrow.  It's one of the many strange obsessive behaviors that has appeared since my m/c three months ago (three months exactly in fact...)

I still can't talk about that first BFP without getting a  lump in my throat.  I've been seeing a counselor since about two weeks after the m/c, and I spent quite a bit of time talking about how robbed I feel of that moment.  I feel cheated that the happiest moment of my life is now associated with such sadness. 

At the time, we'd been TTC for 14 months, and in all that time I'd never tested early - mainly because I never truly thought I could be pregnant.  During my BFP cycle, I'd been doing a lot of visualization and positive thinking.  I was literally WILLING myself to get pregnant.  Then on a Sunday morning at 10DPO, my DH was out golfing for the day and my SIL called. She said, "I had a dream last night that you were pregnant - just wanted to see how things were going."  She knows all about my iF, and I told her I was 10DPO but of course had no intentions of testing early.  After getting off the phone, I thought that as part of my positive thinking maybe I'd  go see how much FRERs cost.  I had to go to Target anyway to buy a birthday gift for DH.  

I discovered that FRERs cost way less than I thought, so I bought a 3-pack.  Why not.  I texted my SIL when I got home and said, "OK I bought the tests, now I just have to find the strength not to use them!"  But as soon as I had hit send, I was already ripping the package open.  I knew I wasn't going to be able to focus with those in the house, so I figured I'd just get it out of the way so I could move on with my day.  i was only 10DPO and it was by no means FMU.   No chance of a positive right?  As I stared at the test I thought I saw a shadow of a line and thought, "Hey, maybe I'll get to post a squinter on the boards!" and before that thought had even cleared my head, an actual line started to appear.  My knees were weak and I sat down on the edge of the bathtub as I watched an honest-to-God pink line show up.  My heart was pounding out of my chest and I burst into tears.  It was all I could do to walk to the kitchen and pick up my cell phone.  My SIL had texted me back calling me a tease and telling me I couldn't torture her like that.  I called her and she picked up and said something like, "Haha, are you calling to give me a hard time about my text?" and I cut her off and said through tears, "It's positive."  Telling DH later was even better.

Sigh...  So that was the greatest moment of my life, and it was taken from me.  And I'm so desperate to get it back.  Therefore each time 10DPO has rolled around, I'm convinced I need to test in order to be PG.  At this point I think I'll be able to hold out in the morning.  It helps that I don't keep the PG tests in the bathroom and I leave for work pretty early.  I'm trying not to test at all because I know there's no reason to, but I guess there's a part of me that feels like every day sooner that I know I'm PG is one less day I have to feel this constant emptiness.  Plus there's so much riding on this.  If I'm not PG, I have big decisions to make regarding the RE and where I want to head as far as diagnostics and treatment are concerned.  I'd just be so, so, so grateful if I could be one of those lucky women who gets pregnant right before starting IF treatments!

So in the meantime, I guess I just try to be patient and keep thinking positive thoughts.  Maybe this will be my month... 

ETA:  Turns out I don't have any FRER's anyway - only a "Rapid Result" and a digi.  Guess I'm waiting!