And to think I took the pill for all those years...

Cautiously Optimistic

IUjaimeRN — Mon, 15 Feb 2010 02:27:00 GMT

I'm doing my best to not raise my expectations too high for this next cycle. My miscarriage was early and uncomplicated - I feel confident that my cycle won't be majorly impacted by it. The fact that I *DID* get pregnant last cycle means that it is possible to get pregnant, and that itself is encouraging. I'm doing all that I can to be educated and prepared. And believe it or not, between the temping and the fertility monitoring and the CM checking I sincerely believe that I haven't lost my mind yet!

My biggest fear isn't another miscarriage. Right now, my biggest fear is this next cycle. I want it to happen SO BAD that if it doesn't happen this next cycle, I just know I will be devastated. As much as I try to reason with myself and to not put too much pressure on it, I feel that it is unavoidable. It just seems very "all or nothing"...either I get pregnant or I get depressed. I don't see any middle ground right now.

The good news is that even when I do get sad and have the occasional blues, they are short-lived. I'm not one for drawn out self-pity.

Starting this whole ordeal over again is exhausting. It was so exciting to be pregnant (even if it was only for a week)! Not only was I thrilled about becoming a mom, I was just happy to not have to obsess over this stuff anymore! And now, here I am again. I should be thankful for the good things: I am young, healthy, with no major fertility issues that I am aware of. It could be so much more of an uphill battle. But right now all I can think of is how some people are so lucky to have a 28-day cycle and mine is 34 and that's a WHOLE EXTRA WEEK I have to wait each cycle. It seems trivial to be upset about something like that when there are people who have been TTC for YEARS! I need to keep my perspective and be thankful for what I do have.

I guess one of the things that bothered me most about my short-lived pregnancy is that from the very beginning, all anyone said was, "well...it's still early..." It's like no one believed it could make it! I'm not saying that anyone willed me to miscarriage, but I just wish people had a little more faith. You have to believe! And even if it is early and things do happen sometimes, I would rather be excited and celebrate my pregnancy, whether I get to enjoy it for 6 weeks or 9 months! I refuse to do this again with fear in my heart. Luckily, my work environment has been changed so that I can keep it to myself next time until I am ready to tell everyone (I work with chemotherapy, so I had to tell everyone ASAP so I could change jobs). I wish I could tell everyone and have there support, but after last time, I might prefer to be surrounded by a few positive thoughts rather than a barrage of doubters.

What do you know...I CAN get pregnant...

IUjaimeRN — Tue, 09 Feb 2010 23:45:00 GMT

...but apparently I've not mastered staying pregnant. I made it to 6 weeks. And that was that. :(

I've been looking for the brightest side I can in all of this. I understand the statistics. I now realize just how common early miscarriage is. And surprisingly, I'm not completely discouraged. Me and the hubby were pretty bummed out about it. Our families were pretty devastated too: we had just told them we were pregnant the night before it happened. But we are determined and resilient and unbelievably stubborn. I have to believe that God has methods to his madness and just because I don't see the whole picture right now doesn't mean it isn't all part of a much bigger plan.

So I let myself be disappointed and sad and mad and bitter and depressed and weepy and confused and scared and then I cried a little bit more.

But today I woke up and decided to get on with it already and get down to business. So we start anew. A baby for 2010 is still within my grasp and we'll just have to do the best we can and pray that we've fulfilled our duty to be the 1 in 4 statistic of early pregnancy. Here's to round 2...

Full Disclosure

IUjaimeRN — Wed, 20 Jan 2010 03:11:00 GMT

To be fair, my story isn't all that heartbreaking. The hubby and I are young...27. Been married just over a year and a half. TTC #1 for a few months, somewhat haphazardly at first and a little more directed these last two tries. And for all I know, we are both completely healthy and fertile and our odds have just not played out yet.

But that does nothing to squelch the anxiety and obsession once you fully embrace the TTC journey.

The irony is that I spent the first 25 years of my life being terrified of the word "pregnant." Perhaps it was all the horror stories from my mom, who worked in an OBGYN office, about young single teenage girls having babies, etc. And to her credit, it worked. I was responsible and safe and managed to graduate high school and college, move out, get a job, AND get married all without inadvertently turning her into a premature grandmother. But it is a very surreal experience to slowly transition from being terrified of pregnancy, to accepting it as a potential reality, to being agreeable to the possibility, and then to finally find yourself completely consumed by the pursuit.

It's supposed to just HAPPEN, right? That's what you're expected to believe. And the longer it doesn't just HAPPEN for you, you can't help but notice how it HAPPENS to just HAPPEN to practically everyone you know of reproductive age. Every magazine has a pregnancy article. Every commercial is showing you those two positive pink lines. Every plot of every TV show somehow happens to include a baby. IT'S LIKE YOUR DREAMS ARE HAUNTING YOU.

And so this isn't really a blog to discuss the details and nuances of my CM and OPK and BBT and other such acronyms (which I have finally mastered, at least to a functional level.) It's more just a place to let it all out. I choose to not discuss my journey with anyone but my hubby...I feel like this is our business. I put enough pressure on myself on my own, and I fear the hovering parentals and in-laws might just send me right over the edge. I sometimes talk about it in generalities to my sister, but she already has two kids and I am not sure she can understand since she never had to think twice about trying to get pregnant. I don't choose to talk about it at work because I will have to spill the beans there the moment I see the digital word "pregnant" flash across the tiny oval screen. (I work in an infusion center and mix chemotherapy...not exactly the safest environment for a developing fetus. So I will be forced to change my job duties if I get pregnant.) I guess, the truth is that I really just want this exciting...and yes sometimes heartbreaking time to just be between hubby and I. This is our journey. We'll share the fun and excitement with everyone else, but this is our time together.

AFM (see, I learned that one!), I am in the 2ww. 4dpo. I've used OPKs for the past few months and I'm usually a CD20-22 O-er. I think BD was timed pretty well. Usually get a few good days of EWCM (okay, so I'll talk about my acronym details a little bit. It's part of the venting!) My BBT doesn't seem to jump though. It has increased every so slightly...around 97.7 before O and about 98.0 now. I'm not sure what to make of that. I want to be textbook so that I am reassured that we are doing everything correctly, but I guess that isn't very realistic. I can usually hold out until CD10 to POAS, but every BFN is like a kick in the emotional crotch, so really try to hold out if I can. Sometimes I don't feel like I will ever see the second pink line. But I can't help myself and I try again and again.

And to think I took the pill for all those years...

Cautiously Optimistic

What do you know...I *CAN* get pregnant...

Full Disclosure

What do you know...I CAN get pregnant...