I'm doing my best to not raise my expectations too high for this next cycle.  My miscarriage was early and uncomplicated - I feel confident that my cycle won't be majorly impacted by it.  The fact that I *DID* get pregnant last cycle means that it is possible to get pregnant, and that itself is encouraging.  I'm doing all that I can to be educated and prepared.  And believe it or not, between the temping and the fertility monitoring and the CM checking I sincerely believe that I haven't lost my mind yet!

My biggest fear isn't another miscarriage.  Right now, my biggest fear is this next cycle.  I want it to happen SO BAD that if it doesn't happen this next cycle, I just know I will be devastated.  As much as I try to reason with myself and to not put too much pressure on it, I feel that it is unavoidable.  It just seems very "all or nothing"...either I get pregnant or I get depressed.  I don't see any middle ground right now.

The good news is that even when I do get sad and have the occasional blues, they are short-lived.  I'm not one for drawn out self-pity.

Starting this whole ordeal over again is exhausting.  It was so exciting to be pregnant (even if it was only for a week)!  Not only was I thrilled about becoming a mom, I was just happy to not have to obsess over this stuff anymore!  And now, here I am again.  I should be thankful for the good things:  I am young, healthy, with no major fertility issues that I am aware of.  It could be so much more of an uphill battle.  But right now all I can think of is how some people are so lucky to have a 28-day cycle and mine is 34 and that's a WHOLE EXTRA WEEK I have to wait each cycle.  It seems trivial to be upset about something like that when there are people who have been TTC for YEARS!  I need to keep my perspective and be thankful for what I do have.

I guess one of the things that bothered me most about my short-lived pregnancy is that from the very beginning, all anyone said was, "well...it's still early..."  It's like no one believed it could make it!  I'm not saying that anyone willed me to miscarriage, but I just wish people had a little more faith.  You have to believe!  And even if it is early and things do happen sometimes, I would rather be excited and celebrate my pregnancy, whether I get to enjoy it for 6 weeks or 9 months!  I refuse to do this again with fear in my heart.  Luckily, my work environment has been changed so that I can keep it to myself next time until I am ready to tell everyone (I work with chemotherapy, so I had to tell everyone ASAP so I could change jobs).  I wish I could tell everyone and have there support, but after last time, I might prefer to be surrounded by a few positive thoughts rather than a barrage of doubters.