To be fair, my story isn't all that heartbreaking.  The hubby and I are young...27.  Been married just over a year and a half.  TTC #1 for a few months, somewhat haphazardly at first and a little more directed these last two tries.  And for all I know, we are both completely healthy and fertile and our odds have just not played out yet.

But that does nothing to squelch the anxiety and obsession once you fully embrace the TTC journey.

The irony is that I spent the first 25 years of my life being terrified of the word "pregnant."  Perhaps it was all the horror stories from my mom, who worked in an OBGYN office, about young single teenage girls having babies, etc.  And to her credit, it worked.  I was responsible and safe and managed to graduate high school and college, move out, get a job, AND get married all without inadvertently turning her into a premature grandmother.  But it is a very surreal experience to slowly transition from being terrified of pregnancy, to accepting it as a potential reality, to being agreeable to the possibility, and then to finally find yourself completely consumed by the pursuit.

It's supposed to just HAPPEN, right?  That's what you're expected to believe.  And the longer it doesn't just HAPPEN for you, you can't help but notice how it HAPPENS to just HAPPEN to practically everyone you know of reproductive age.  Every magazine has a pregnancy article.  Every commercial is showing you those two positive pink lines.  Every plot of every TV show somehow happens to include a baby.  IT'S LIKE YOUR DREAMS ARE HAUNTING YOU.

And so this isn't really a blog to discuss the details and nuances of my CM and OPK and BBT and other such acronyms (which I have finally mastered, at least to a functional level.)  It's more just a place to let it all out.  I choose to not discuss my journey with anyone but my hubby...I feel like this is our business.  I put enough pressure on myself on my own, and I fear the hovering parentals and in-laws might just send me right over the edge.  I sometimes talk about it in generalities to my sister, but she already has two kids and I am not sure she can understand since she never had to think twice about trying to get pregnant.  I don't choose to talk about it at work because I will have to spill the beans there the moment I see the digital word "pregnant" flash across the tiny oval screen.  (I work in an infusion center and mix chemotherapy...not exactly the safest environment for a developing fetus.  So I will be forced to change my job duties if I get pregnant.)  I guess, the truth is that I really just want this exciting...and yes sometimes heartbreaking time to just be between hubby and I.  This is our journey.  We'll share the fun and excitement with everyone else, but this is our time together.

AFM (see, I learned that one!), I am in the 2ww.  4dpo.  I've used OPKs for the past few months and I'm usually a CD20-22 O-er.  I think BD was timed pretty well.  Usually get a few good days of EWCM (okay, so I'll talk about my acronym details a little bit.  It's part of the venting!)  My BBT doesn't seem to jump though.  It has increased every so slightly...around 97.7 before O and about 98.0 now.  I'm not sure what to make of that.  I want to be textbook so that I am reassured that we are doing everything correctly, but I guess that isn't very realistic.  I can usually hold out until CD10 to POAS, but every BFN is like a kick in the emotional crotch, so really try to hold out if I can.  Sometimes I don't feel like I will ever see the second pink line.  But I can't help myself and I try again and again.